I am personally going to offer a different look at psycho x-wifes and the x-husbands who are still dealing with them.
This will be a view few judges will ever see, unless like in my case the psycho x-wife recently happened to copy and print my protected material off of my web site and file a parental alienation blog for the judge to read for me! Now, that is CRAZY :)
For judges, attorneys, the custody evaluators and guardians ad-litem etc. the custody cases they see each day ends with their decisions on that days issues.
They make their findings and then walk away disregarding how their psycho clients can, and do, over and over again go against the orders they have handed down.
They don’t have to deal with the psycho x-wifes' parental alienation campaign the children hear as soon as the psycho x-wife goes home from the court house, the phone calls that never come due to a parents anger, the hundreds of psycho e-mails I've saved, voice-mails and direct public confrontations, or false allegations of abuse and abandonment, until of course they file another statement in court again for all the world to read and see how psycho they truly are. Even though the psycho x-wife in my case found a new "Sugardaddy" she still can't stop filing false and damaging statements in court looking for more and more money. It's all about the money.
Keep watching, I'll be posting actual e-mails, police reports etc. from this crazy woman soon.
Anyone who lives in Tieton, will know this 46 year old by her bleached blond hair, spray on tan and well, you know the type...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
48 Tips to a Happy Marriage
I came across a list titled: “48 Tips to a Happy Marriage”. I thought that they are worth mentioning and maybe exploring. I wonder how much of these are followed by couples in our society and do they find them relevant and applicable?
The list goes as follows; if you become bored while going through them, stop and come back later because I found them very interesting and I am hoping you will do the same:
1. Start each day with a kiss ~ I think this is so simple simple and it's free!
2. Wear your wedding ring at all times ~ most couples do wear the ring, however; their reasons might vary, so as long as they think of it as a sign of their commitment to their spouses, then they are on the safe side.
3. Date once a week ~ I believe this one is crucial, ok, maybe not as often as once a week, so let’s say every other week. Don't forget that a date can be at your home and that you don’t have to go somewhere fancy to have it, you get the idea, right?
4. Accept differences ~ No one is perfect. However; healthy arguments are good for the relationship, hence; the most important thing would be learning how to compromise with one another.
5. Be polite ~ Please, thank you, you are welcome… these are not only meant for strangers; your own spouse and family must come first and you should always use these phrases inside your home.
6. Be gentle ~ your spouse is supposed to be the closest, most cherrished person to you on this earth, being gentle is crucial to keep them close enough or they will find that comfort elsewhere.
7. Give gifts ~ nice small gifts are appreciated every once in a while
8. Smile often ~ I would say to you women out there that a simple smile is the best way to take 5 years off of your face!
9. Touch ~ intimacy between married people is very important and touching is a means of communication that reflects closeness, connection and love; it is your way of keeping the spark alive. Hold hands while shopping etc.
10. Talk about dreams ~ dreams of the future that is; if you don’t share your dreams with your spouse; then who are you sharing them with?
11. Select a song that can be “our song” ~ this sounds like a cliché, but it can be nice, don’t you think?
12. Give back rubs ~ this means: be comforting both mentally and physically and if you don’t know how to give back rubs and massages; it is time to learn!
13. Laugh together ~ laughter is like smiling and as they say: it is medicine. When you share good laughs together; the fun grows in the relationship and you grow closer and stronger every day.
14. Send a card for no reason ~ another cliché? Maybe, but everyone likes to receive a nice “I love you” or “I miss you” notes every once in a while; it does boost one’s ego, doesn’t it?
15. Do what the other person wants before he or she asks ~ of course; you need to know your spouse so well to be able to do this one. I guess this comes with time as you grow to know each other but seek to get that knowledge; don’t assume that it will come to you!
16. Listen ~ this could be the most important one ever, but note that you should listen with empathy and not just hear what they are saying; you should get involved.
17. Encourage ~ positive support and being there for one another is also very important; seek their support and give them yours and be generous!
18. Do it his or her way ~ sometimes; you need to do things their way just to show how much you love them and respect their feelings.
19. Know his or her needs ~ what good is a spouse if he/she does not know the needs of their significant others? This should be your primary concern!
20. Compliment twice a day ~ everyone likes to hear something nice as a compliment; so give them that when it is due. It should not be literally twice but don’t be extreme by not giving at all or giving too much; just say something nice when you can.
21. Fix the other person’s breakfast ~ it doesn’t have to be breakfast in bed though!
22. Call during the day ~ but don’t over do it and be obsessed with calling him/her. Give them their space but also show them that you think of them by a 2-minutes phone call saying “how are you doing?, how are you feeling?”
23. Slow down ~ and don’t jump to conclusions; always give the benefit of the doubt and wait to hear them out.
24. Cuddle ~ yes; intimacy is very important and reflects love and deep feelings.
25. Ask for each others’ opinion ~ absolutely; whose opinion would you seek if not your spouse’s? Your decisions will reflect both your lives and not only your own, so their opinion is important for you to make the right move.
26. Show respect ~ all the time; whether you are alone or among others. Showing respect is more important than showing love. NEVER speak badly of your spouse to others.
27. Welcome the other person home ~ beat the dog to the front door, show enthusiasm when they come home and greet them; this means that you are happy because they are home now and that you were waiting for them!
28. Look your best ~ I understand that this is not easy to implement since we face different situations all day long, however; it does count that you make the effort to look your best every once in a while just for their sake and not only because you are going out or expecting guests, get the point?
29. Wink at each other ~ another cliché? Probably, but it can be any other gesture like smiling their way across the room or dining table, or holding their hand for a minute, just anything that appeals to both of you.
30. Celebrate birthdays in a big way ~ this does not mean a big party; just show them you care about their personal occasions.
31. Apologize ~ and don’t be too stubborn to admit that you made a mistake, because apologizing can clear things between you and allows you to move on from the conflict in a healthy manner.
32. Forgive ~ from the heart and not only in words; forgive them and mean it.
33. Set up a romantic getaway ~ this sounds like fun every once in a while; no harm in that!
34. Ask, “What can I do to make you happier?” ~ in other words; communicate and keep it going, because one’s needs might change along the way, and what they used to like a couple of years ago might not be appealing to them now; so make sure you ask them what does make them happy and do it.
35. Be positive ~ even when it is a negative era of your lives; always try to show the full half of the cup.
36. Be kind ~ and nice.
37. Be vulnerable ~ let those guards down and show your true colors.
38. Respond quickly to the other person’s request ~ show them that you are doing this because you care for them the most.
39. Talk about your love ~ again; communicate. Always tell them as well as show them how much you love them and how happy you are because of having them in your lives.
40. Treat each others’ friends and relatives with courtesy ~ even if you don’t like their family and/or friends, you treat them with respect and courtesy for the sake of your spouse; they deserve that much.
41. Send flowers every Valentine’s Day and anniversary ~ or just for the sake of it; flowers can say a lot on your behalf.
42. Admit when wrong ~ don’t be too arrogant to say it.
43. Be sensitive to each other’s sexual desires ~ more importantly; understand these desires and keep the communication going.
44. Pray for each other daily ~ and do it from the heart.
45. Watch sunsets together ~ just share such moments together; it does not have to be sunset; it can be anything else.
46. Say “I love you” frequently ~ don’t assume that they know you love them; everyone likes to hear it, so say it!
47. End the day with a hug ~ show closeness and again; intimacy.
48. Seek outside help when needed ~ if you reach a point when you feel that you cannot solve the problem alone; seek the help of someone you both trust before giving up, or go for professional help as a last resort. Never feel ashamed of that; seeking help is a lot better than giving up and doing your very best to solve your issues. You owe it to yourself and to them to do that.
The list goes as follows; if you become bored while going through them, stop and come back later because I found them very interesting and I am hoping you will do the same:
1. Start each day with a kiss ~ I think this is so simple simple and it's free!
2. Wear your wedding ring at all times ~ most couples do wear the ring, however; their reasons might vary, so as long as they think of it as a sign of their commitment to their spouses, then they are on the safe side.
3. Date once a week ~ I believe this one is crucial, ok, maybe not as often as once a week, so let’s say every other week. Don't forget that a date can be at your home and that you don’t have to go somewhere fancy to have it, you get the idea, right?
4. Accept differences ~ No one is perfect. However; healthy arguments are good for the relationship, hence; the most important thing would be learning how to compromise with one another.
5. Be polite ~ Please, thank you, you are welcome… these are not only meant for strangers; your own spouse and family must come first and you should always use these phrases inside your home.
6. Be gentle ~ your spouse is supposed to be the closest, most cherrished person to you on this earth, being gentle is crucial to keep them close enough or they will find that comfort elsewhere.
7. Give gifts ~ nice small gifts are appreciated every once in a while
8. Smile often ~ I would say to you women out there that a simple smile is the best way to take 5 years off of your face!
9. Touch ~ intimacy between married people is very important and touching is a means of communication that reflects closeness, connection and love; it is your way of keeping the spark alive. Hold hands while shopping etc.
10. Talk about dreams ~ dreams of the future that is; if you don’t share your dreams with your spouse; then who are you sharing them with?
11. Select a song that can be “our song” ~ this sounds like a cliché, but it can be nice, don’t you think?
12. Give back rubs ~ this means: be comforting both mentally and physically and if you don’t know how to give back rubs and massages; it is time to learn!
13. Laugh together ~ laughter is like smiling and as they say: it is medicine. When you share good laughs together; the fun grows in the relationship and you grow closer and stronger every day.
14. Send a card for no reason ~ another cliché? Maybe, but everyone likes to receive a nice “I love you” or “I miss you” notes every once in a while; it does boost one’s ego, doesn’t it?
15. Do what the other person wants before he or she asks ~ of course; you need to know your spouse so well to be able to do this one. I guess this comes with time as you grow to know each other but seek to get that knowledge; don’t assume that it will come to you!
16. Listen ~ this could be the most important one ever, but note that you should listen with empathy and not just hear what they are saying; you should get involved.
17. Encourage ~ positive support and being there for one another is also very important; seek their support and give them yours and be generous!
18. Do it his or her way ~ sometimes; you need to do things their way just to show how much you love them and respect their feelings.
19. Know his or her needs ~ what good is a spouse if he/she does not know the needs of their significant others? This should be your primary concern!
20. Compliment twice a day ~ everyone likes to hear something nice as a compliment; so give them that when it is due. It should not be literally twice but don’t be extreme by not giving at all or giving too much; just say something nice when you can.
21. Fix the other person’s breakfast ~ it doesn’t have to be breakfast in bed though!
22. Call during the day ~ but don’t over do it and be obsessed with calling him/her. Give them their space but also show them that you think of them by a 2-minutes phone call saying “how are you doing?, how are you feeling?”
23. Slow down ~ and don’t jump to conclusions; always give the benefit of the doubt and wait to hear them out.
24. Cuddle ~ yes; intimacy is very important and reflects love and deep feelings.
25. Ask for each others’ opinion ~ absolutely; whose opinion would you seek if not your spouse’s? Your decisions will reflect both your lives and not only your own, so their opinion is important for you to make the right move.
26. Show respect ~ all the time; whether you are alone or among others. Showing respect is more important than showing love. NEVER speak badly of your spouse to others.
27. Welcome the other person home ~ beat the dog to the front door, show enthusiasm when they come home and greet them; this means that you are happy because they are home now and that you were waiting for them!
28. Look your best ~ I understand that this is not easy to implement since we face different situations all day long, however; it does count that you make the effort to look your best every once in a while just for their sake and not only because you are going out or expecting guests, get the point?
29. Wink at each other ~ another cliché? Probably, but it can be any other gesture like smiling their way across the room or dining table, or holding their hand for a minute, just anything that appeals to both of you.
30. Celebrate birthdays in a big way ~ this does not mean a big party; just show them you care about their personal occasions.
31. Apologize ~ and don’t be too stubborn to admit that you made a mistake, because apologizing can clear things between you and allows you to move on from the conflict in a healthy manner.
32. Forgive ~ from the heart and not only in words; forgive them and mean it.
33. Set up a romantic getaway ~ this sounds like fun every once in a while; no harm in that!
34. Ask, “What can I do to make you happier?” ~ in other words; communicate and keep it going, because one’s needs might change along the way, and what they used to like a couple of years ago might not be appealing to them now; so make sure you ask them what does make them happy and do it.
35. Be positive ~ even when it is a negative era of your lives; always try to show the full half of the cup.
36. Be kind ~ and nice.
37. Be vulnerable ~ let those guards down and show your true colors.
38. Respond quickly to the other person’s request ~ show them that you are doing this because you care for them the most.
39. Talk about your love ~ again; communicate. Always tell them as well as show them how much you love them and how happy you are because of having them in your lives.
40. Treat each others’ friends and relatives with courtesy ~ even if you don’t like their family and/or friends, you treat them with respect and courtesy for the sake of your spouse; they deserve that much.
41. Send flowers every Valentine’s Day and anniversary ~ or just for the sake of it; flowers can say a lot on your behalf.
42. Admit when wrong ~ don’t be too arrogant to say it.
43. Be sensitive to each other’s sexual desires ~ more importantly; understand these desires and keep the communication going.
44. Pray for each other daily ~ and do it from the heart.
45. Watch sunsets together ~ just share such moments together; it does not have to be sunset; it can be anything else.
46. Say “I love you” frequently ~ don’t assume that they know you love them; everyone likes to hear it, so say it!
47. End the day with a hug ~ show closeness and again; intimacy.
48. Seek outside help when needed ~ if you reach a point when you feel that you cannot solve the problem alone; seek the help of someone you both trust before giving up, or go for professional help as a last resort. Never feel ashamed of that; seeking help is a lot better than giving up and doing your very best to solve your issues. You owe it to yourself and to them to do that.
Principles for being an effective Step-Parent
Principles for being an effective Step-Parent
•Be involved, not detached, as a stepparent. Some stepparents try to deal with the daunting task by taking the approach of "I won't interfere with your life." Unfortunately, this approach says to the stepchild: "I don't care that much about what happens to you." Stepchildren may resist involvement, but they will benefit far more and form a better relationship with an involved than a detached stepparent.
•Begin by being a friend to your stepchildren. Let them know that you want to be an involved friend, but that you do not want to displace the natural parent. You will assume some parental responsibilities, but your first and primary relationship with them is one of friendship.
•Let your relationship proceed at the children's pace. Often, the relationship moves beyond friendship to a feeling of family. As you fulfill various parental responsibilities and develop trust in each other, your stepchildren may begin to think of you as part of "my family" and not just as "someone married to my parent." But this has to happen at the children's pace. Be patient and wait for them.
•Plan special times and experiences with your stepchildren. Shared experiences build intimacy. Spend time alone with each stepchild. Do something that the child considers special. For example, a stepmother shared her stepdaughter's passion for movies. They began attending the cinema then stopping for hot chocolate and a discussion of the movie before heading home. It was an experience the girl cherished and one she hadn't had with either of her natural parents.
•Present a united front with your spouse. Children learn how to play one parent against the other. In the stepfamily, children may claim unfairness or insensitivity on the part of the stepparent. The biological parent may be tempted to side with the children. No matter how much you disagree and have to thrash parenting matters out in private, you and your spouse must present a united front to the children. This will minimize playing one of you against the other. It will make you more creative and effective because you will be working as a team.
•Give your stepchildren the gift of limits. Children need limits for healthy development. If they don't learn in the home that there are limits on their behavior, they'll have a harder time functioning in the outside world. If they resist limits -- and they will -- it will be easier for you to deal with it if you remind yourself that children do the same thing with their biological parents.
•Use clear and explicit rules to establish limits. "You never told me that" may be a legitimate objection when you try to punish a child for breaking a limit. Limits should be clear, consistent, and invariably enforced. And there should be clearly understood consequences for following or disobeying them. Don't overwhelm your stepchildren with rules, but have enough of them to create a moral order in your home.
•Let stepchildren participate in making the rules. Have regular family meetings. Use them for sharing positive experiences, openly airing grievances and concerns, and formulating rules. Children should not have the final say in establishing each rule. But they should know that they have been heard. It's a basic principle that people are much more likely to conform when they have participated in the decision-making process.
•Encourage openness about feelings. "I hate you. You're not my father." It's tempting to reprove the child and forbid such language. But that teaches stepchildren to suppress their feelings. Instead, tell the child why this kind of statement hurts and how it makes you feel. Then explore with the child why he or she feels this way, reminding the child that you still want to be a friend. Be honest with your stepchildren about your own feelings, and encourage them to be honest about theirs.
•Maintain your sense of humor. Humor helps keep matters in perspective. It helps relieve tension. It builds intimacy when you laugh with someone else. Sometimes you can use humor to resolve a problem with a stepchild. Humor won't cure all problems, but a lack of humor can kill a relationship.
References:
Beer, W.R. (1989). Strangers in the House. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers.
Kelley, P. (1992). Healthy Stepfamily Functioning. Families in Society, 73, 579-587.
Larson, J.H., Anderson, J.O., & Morgan, A. (1984). Effective Stepparenting. New York: Family Service of America.
Neuman, M. (1994). Stepfamily Realities. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
About the Author:
Robert H. Lauer, Ph.D. and Jeanette C. Lauer, Ph.D. are research professors at U.S. International University, San Diego, California. They have published fifteen books, including Becoming Family: How To Build a Stepfamily That Really Works (Augsburg 1999).
Originally published 2/25/00
Revised 04/27/2009 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
•Be involved, not detached, as a stepparent. Some stepparents try to deal with the daunting task by taking the approach of "I won't interfere with your life." Unfortunately, this approach says to the stepchild: "I don't care that much about what happens to you." Stepchildren may resist involvement, but they will benefit far more and form a better relationship with an involved than a detached stepparent.
•Begin by being a friend to your stepchildren. Let them know that you want to be an involved friend, but that you do not want to displace the natural parent. You will assume some parental responsibilities, but your first and primary relationship with them is one of friendship.
•Let your relationship proceed at the children's pace. Often, the relationship moves beyond friendship to a feeling of family. As you fulfill various parental responsibilities and develop trust in each other, your stepchildren may begin to think of you as part of "my family" and not just as "someone married to my parent." But this has to happen at the children's pace. Be patient and wait for them.
•Plan special times and experiences with your stepchildren. Shared experiences build intimacy. Spend time alone with each stepchild. Do something that the child considers special. For example, a stepmother shared her stepdaughter's passion for movies. They began attending the cinema then stopping for hot chocolate and a discussion of the movie before heading home. It was an experience the girl cherished and one she hadn't had with either of her natural parents.
•Present a united front with your spouse. Children learn how to play one parent against the other. In the stepfamily, children may claim unfairness or insensitivity on the part of the stepparent. The biological parent may be tempted to side with the children. No matter how much you disagree and have to thrash parenting matters out in private, you and your spouse must present a united front to the children. This will minimize playing one of you against the other. It will make you more creative and effective because you will be working as a team.
•Give your stepchildren the gift of limits. Children need limits for healthy development. If they don't learn in the home that there are limits on their behavior, they'll have a harder time functioning in the outside world. If they resist limits -- and they will -- it will be easier for you to deal with it if you remind yourself that children do the same thing with their biological parents.
•Use clear and explicit rules to establish limits. "You never told me that" may be a legitimate objection when you try to punish a child for breaking a limit. Limits should be clear, consistent, and invariably enforced. And there should be clearly understood consequences for following or disobeying them. Don't overwhelm your stepchildren with rules, but have enough of them to create a moral order in your home.
•Let stepchildren participate in making the rules. Have regular family meetings. Use them for sharing positive experiences, openly airing grievances and concerns, and formulating rules. Children should not have the final say in establishing each rule. But they should know that they have been heard. It's a basic principle that people are much more likely to conform when they have participated in the decision-making process.
•Encourage openness about feelings. "I hate you. You're not my father." It's tempting to reprove the child and forbid such language. But that teaches stepchildren to suppress their feelings. Instead, tell the child why this kind of statement hurts and how it makes you feel. Then explore with the child why he or she feels this way, reminding the child that you still want to be a friend. Be honest with your stepchildren about your own feelings, and encourage them to be honest about theirs.
•Maintain your sense of humor. Humor helps keep matters in perspective. It helps relieve tension. It builds intimacy when you laugh with someone else. Sometimes you can use humor to resolve a problem with a stepchild. Humor won't cure all problems, but a lack of humor can kill a relationship.
References:
Beer, W.R. (1989). Strangers in the House. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers.
Kelley, P. (1992). Healthy Stepfamily Functioning. Families in Society, 73, 579-587.
Larson, J.H., Anderson, J.O., & Morgan, A. (1984). Effective Stepparenting. New York: Family Service of America.
Neuman, M. (1994). Stepfamily Realities. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
About the Author:
Robert H. Lauer, Ph.D. and Jeanette C. Lauer, Ph.D. are research professors at U.S. International University, San Diego, California. They have published fifteen books, including Becoming Family: How To Build a Stepfamily That Really Works (Augsburg 1999).
Originally published 2/25/00
Revised 04/27/2009 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
6 Secrets to a Happy Marriage
HABIT #1 - GIVE EACH OTHER PLEASURE
Happily married couples are committed to the goal of giving each other pleasure. You must stay focused on the ultimate goal -- which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain. It sounds simple enough, but can be very hard in practice.
For just one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"
To monitor how you're doing, each of you should make two lists: One for all the things your spouse does to cause you pain, and another which identifies what you would like your spouse to do to give you pleasure. Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more mind reading!
HABIT #2 - CREATE MUTUALLY SATISFYING LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP RITUALS
Rituals are habits that build and strengthen a relationship. One couple had the following "greeting ritual" at night when the husband came home:
He would first greet the dog and hug the kids. Then he would go into his bedroom, change his clothes, and watch the news, followed by a visit to the bathroom. Finally he would wander into the kitchen and mutter something to his wife, for example, "Let's eat fast so we can get to the PTA meeting!"
One might say that such a ritual was not exactly increasing their love for each other.
How are your greeting and goodbye rituals?
So after watching how their dog greeted them every time they came home, this couple decided to come up with a new ritual. Elated dogs jump all over their masters and lick them. So they decided to greet each other like dogs. They started jumping up and down and hugging each other. They really got into it. They had fun and the kids got a kick out it, too.
Our actions affect the way we feel. How are your greeting and good-bye rituals?
Here are some rituals you and your spouse should consider working on:
* Daily e-mailing each other with a compliment.
* Daily phone call. (especially important for husbands to do)
* Anniversaries deserve special attention. Plan to do something both of you really enjoy, rather than feeling stuck two days before your anniversary arrives and then running out to get some flowers.
* Before you turn in for the night, try saying two compliments to each other. This means coming up with something new each night!
* It is essential to have a "date night" at least every other week.
HABIT #3 - CREATE A SAFE PLACE TO DISCUSS ISSUES OPENLY AND HONESTLY
Abusive relationships are ones in which you are afraid to express feelings and opinions. Happily married couples create a sense of safety that allows each person to feel comfortable expressing his/her feelings, problems, and dissatisfactions. This sense of safety is the foundation upon which a couple negotiates things that are bothering them.
It's common for each person to come into a relationship with certain expectations about how things will be. But without the ability to communicate and negotiate, these issues become sources for power struggles that almost always damage the relationship.
HABIT #4 - USE GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS TO RESOLVE HOT ISSUES
The technique that every couple must learn is called the "listener-speaker technique." The problem with the way most couples argue is that they try to find solutions before fully giving each other the chance to say what they need to say. The speaker-listener technique ensures that before you can engage in solution talk, each person feels they have been fully heard.
Only after each person has been fully heard, do you proceed to problem solving.
Here's how it works: One person holds an object in their hand which symbolizes that he or she has the floor. While one person has the floor, the other person can only listen by repeating back or paraphrasing what the other person said. The listener can stop the speaker if s/he is saying too much for the listener to repeat back.
When couples use this technique, it automatically ensures that each person will be able to say everything s/he needs to say without interruption, rebuttals, criticism or attack. Only after each person has been fully "heard," do you then proceed to problem solving.
HABIT #5 - CONSTANTLY TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER, RATHER THAN AWAY
When you pass your spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in her ear -- or do you just walk on by? This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to "turning away."
Happily married couples have ways to constantly be emotionally close to each other.
Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.
Another important aspect of turning toward each other is doing things together that you both enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning Torah together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how couples turn toward each other.
A powerful way to turn toward each other is to show the ultimate respect -- by standing when your spouse enters the room. Sounds old-fashioned? It is. But it's a powerful way to turn toward your spouse, make him/her feel very special.
Couples who "turn away" from each other don't develop closeness. It's a basic principle stated in the Talmud, "A good deed begets another good deed. A bad deed begets another bad deed."
HABIT #6 - INFUSE YOUR LIVES WITH SHARED MEANING
I often ask singles the following question: "After you're married, what do you plan to do for the next 40 years?" And I usually follow-up by saying, "And besides having fun, what else will you do with each other?"
The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life purpose.
Human beings need meaning like we need water. Happily married couples enrich their relationship by sharing meaningful experiences with each other. The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life and life purpose. This is why couples who observe Shabbat together, and learn Torah together, have great sources of meaning built into their lives.
Some other specific ways of infusing your relationship with meaning are visiting the sick together, making a shiva call together, or preparing a meal together for a mother who just gave birth.
When couples share truly meaningful experiences, they bond on a deeper level.
These six habits may seem small, but when practiced intentionally and consistently, they will form the backbone of a deeply fulfilling marriage.
Happily married couples are committed to the goal of giving each other pleasure. You must stay focused on the ultimate goal -- which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain. It sounds simple enough, but can be very hard in practice.
For just one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"
To monitor how you're doing, each of you should make two lists: One for all the things your spouse does to cause you pain, and another which identifies what you would like your spouse to do to give you pleasure. Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more mind reading!
HABIT #2 - CREATE MUTUALLY SATISFYING LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP RITUALS
Rituals are habits that build and strengthen a relationship. One couple had the following "greeting ritual" at night when the husband came home:
He would first greet the dog and hug the kids. Then he would go into his bedroom, change his clothes, and watch the news, followed by a visit to the bathroom. Finally he would wander into the kitchen and mutter something to his wife, for example, "Let's eat fast so we can get to the PTA meeting!"
One might say that such a ritual was not exactly increasing their love for each other.
How are your greeting and goodbye rituals?
So after watching how their dog greeted them every time they came home, this couple decided to come up with a new ritual. Elated dogs jump all over their masters and lick them. So they decided to greet each other like dogs. They started jumping up and down and hugging each other. They really got into it. They had fun and the kids got a kick out it, too.
Our actions affect the way we feel. How are your greeting and good-bye rituals?
Here are some rituals you and your spouse should consider working on:
* Daily e-mailing each other with a compliment.
* Daily phone call. (especially important for husbands to do)
* Anniversaries deserve special attention. Plan to do something both of you really enjoy, rather than feeling stuck two days before your anniversary arrives and then running out to get some flowers.
* Before you turn in for the night, try saying two compliments to each other. This means coming up with something new each night!
* It is essential to have a "date night" at least every other week.
HABIT #3 - CREATE A SAFE PLACE TO DISCUSS ISSUES OPENLY AND HONESTLY
Abusive relationships are ones in which you are afraid to express feelings and opinions. Happily married couples create a sense of safety that allows each person to feel comfortable expressing his/her feelings, problems, and dissatisfactions. This sense of safety is the foundation upon which a couple negotiates things that are bothering them.
It's common for each person to come into a relationship with certain expectations about how things will be. But without the ability to communicate and negotiate, these issues become sources for power struggles that almost always damage the relationship.
HABIT #4 - USE GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS TO RESOLVE HOT ISSUES
The technique that every couple must learn is called the "listener-speaker technique." The problem with the way most couples argue is that they try to find solutions before fully giving each other the chance to say what they need to say. The speaker-listener technique ensures that before you can engage in solution talk, each person feels they have been fully heard.
Only after each person has been fully heard, do you proceed to problem solving.
Here's how it works: One person holds an object in their hand which symbolizes that he or she has the floor. While one person has the floor, the other person can only listen by repeating back or paraphrasing what the other person said. The listener can stop the speaker if s/he is saying too much for the listener to repeat back.
When couples use this technique, it automatically ensures that each person will be able to say everything s/he needs to say without interruption, rebuttals, criticism or attack. Only after each person has been fully "heard," do you then proceed to problem solving.
HABIT #5 - CONSTANTLY TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER, RATHER THAN AWAY
When you pass your spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in her ear -- or do you just walk on by? This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to "turning away."
Happily married couples have ways to constantly be emotionally close to each other.
Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.
Another important aspect of turning toward each other is doing things together that you both enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning Torah together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how couples turn toward each other.
A powerful way to turn toward each other is to show the ultimate respect -- by standing when your spouse enters the room. Sounds old-fashioned? It is. But it's a powerful way to turn toward your spouse, make him/her feel very special.
Couples who "turn away" from each other don't develop closeness. It's a basic principle stated in the Talmud, "A good deed begets another good deed. A bad deed begets another bad deed."
HABIT #6 - INFUSE YOUR LIVES WITH SHARED MEANING
I often ask singles the following question: "After you're married, what do you plan to do for the next 40 years?" And I usually follow-up by saying, "And besides having fun, what else will you do with each other?"
The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life purpose.
Human beings need meaning like we need water. Happily married couples enrich their relationship by sharing meaningful experiences with each other. The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life and life purpose. This is why couples who observe Shabbat together, and learn Torah together, have great sources of meaning built into their lives.
Some other specific ways of infusing your relationship with meaning are visiting the sick together, making a shiva call together, or preparing a meal together for a mother who just gave birth.
When couples share truly meaningful experiences, they bond on a deeper level.
These six habits may seem small, but when practiced intentionally and consistently, they will form the backbone of a deeply fulfilling marriage.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Mother's Day Dare 2009
Mother’s Day Dare 2009
Hello Ladies:
Here’s a dare for you from The Step Mom’s Toolbox: Send a Mother’s Day card to your stepchildren’s mother. Can you do it? Will you? Here’s more of the post, check out the blog for the full story.
“This Mother’s Day I am going to not only honor and recognize my mom, my step mom, and my mother-in-law, but I am also going to honor and recognize my daughters’ step mom (she would be my ex-husband’s wife) AND my step children’s mom (she would be my husband’s ex-wife).
This costs me NOTHING except $3.00 for a nice Hallmark card and what ever the US Postal Service is charging for stamps these days.
My goal is to encourage 5,000 or more step moms to send their step kids’ mom a Mother’s Day card.”
Hello Ladies:
Here’s a dare for you from The Step Mom’s Toolbox: Send a Mother’s Day card to your stepchildren’s mother. Can you do it? Will you? Here’s more of the post, check out the blog for the full story.
“This Mother’s Day I am going to not only honor and recognize my mom, my step mom, and my mother-in-law, but I am also going to honor and recognize my daughters’ step mom (she would be my ex-husband’s wife) AND my step children’s mom (she would be my husband’s ex-wife).
This costs me NOTHING except $3.00 for a nice Hallmark card and what ever the US Postal Service is charging for stamps these days.
My goal is to encourage 5,000 or more step moms to send their step kids’ mom a Mother’s Day card.”
Step Mother's Bill of Rights
With Mothers Day right around the corner I thought it would be helpfull to have some suggestions for all of you involved in any way with a Stepmother.
You see, most of the "rights' outlined below I have already come to decide (even demand at times) for myself but only after many tears, arguments and a lot of very hard feelings, hopefully my marriage is strong enough to survive having had to live each and every experience listed below. No one should (stepmoms) ever have to be put in a situation where these Step Mom's Bill of Rights is ever taken for granted.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life or plans without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits or boundaries.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly and equally.
6.I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission ever.
8.I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10. Our marriage is our very first priority, and we will address all issues together.
You see, most of the "rights' outlined below I have already come to decide (even demand at times) for myself but only after many tears, arguments and a lot of very hard feelings, hopefully my marriage is strong enough to survive having had to live each and every experience listed below. No one should (stepmoms) ever have to be put in a situation where these Step Mom's Bill of Rights is ever taken for granted.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life or plans without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits or boundaries.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly and equally.
6.I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission ever.
8.I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10. Our marriage is our very first priority, and we will address all issues together.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Playful Parenting: Giving Your Child a Carefree Atmosphere in the Home
Playful Parenting: Giving Your Child a Carefree Atmosphere in the Home
Do you and your child enjoy each other's company? If you are one of those parents that gets along well with their children, then you are already on the right track. According to experts, playful parenting is one of the best ways to keep a healthy, open relationship with your children. When both you and your children are able to relax and have fun together, there are lesser chances of friction and stress in the home.
Studies show that playful parenting gives a relaxed and carefree atmosphere in the home. Such an atmosphere is very important in shaping the character of the child. Where the child is carefree, he or she becomes more confident and even-tempered. Children coming from happy homes are usually more sociable and can relate to their peers easily.
Playful parenting takes out the stress in the home. Since the child is less exposed to stress, he or she is less likely to develop illnesses that are commonly associated with stress. On the other hand, because the parents also enjoy the company of their children, the parents will also benefit if they employ playful parenting to raise their children.
Introducing Playful Parenting in the Home
When introducing playful parenting in the home, you should not forget to lay down the rules first. Just because you want to establish a carefree atmosphere in the home doesn't mean that you and your kids will not have any rules to live by. Since playful parenting relies so much on the harmony and balance in the home, respect for your rules are very important. However, when setting the rules, you should not let your children feel that you are setting some hard and fast rules but rather something that all of you should easily be able to do to keep harmony in the home.
Setting the rules with your children should be a participatory process. If your kids are still very young, establish your rules through examples. Verbal instructions are usually lost on very young kids so your better teach them through actions. Very young kids love to imitate the things that they see or hear so it would not be much trouble to show them through actions as to how things should be in the home. When your kids grow older, you can easily post your household rules in convienient places and your children will easy grow and adapt to the rules in the house when they have been expected from the beginning.
Do you and your child enjoy each other's company? If you are one of those parents that gets along well with their children, then you are already on the right track. According to experts, playful parenting is one of the best ways to keep a healthy, open relationship with your children. When both you and your children are able to relax and have fun together, there are lesser chances of friction and stress in the home.
Studies show that playful parenting gives a relaxed and carefree atmosphere in the home. Such an atmosphere is very important in shaping the character of the child. Where the child is carefree, he or she becomes more confident and even-tempered. Children coming from happy homes are usually more sociable and can relate to their peers easily.
Playful parenting takes out the stress in the home. Since the child is less exposed to stress, he or she is less likely to develop illnesses that are commonly associated with stress. On the other hand, because the parents also enjoy the company of their children, the parents will also benefit if they employ playful parenting to raise their children.
Introducing Playful Parenting in the Home
When introducing playful parenting in the home, you should not forget to lay down the rules first. Just because you want to establish a carefree atmosphere in the home doesn't mean that you and your kids will not have any rules to live by. Since playful parenting relies so much on the harmony and balance in the home, respect for your rules are very important. However, when setting the rules, you should not let your children feel that you are setting some hard and fast rules but rather something that all of you should easily be able to do to keep harmony in the home.
Setting the rules with your children should be a participatory process. If your kids are still very young, establish your rules through examples. Verbal instructions are usually lost on very young kids so your better teach them through actions. Very young kids love to imitate the things that they see or hear so it would not be much trouble to show them through actions as to how things should be in the home. When your kids grow older, you can easily post your household rules in convienient places and your children will easy grow and adapt to the rules in the house when they have been expected from the beginning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
