Second Hand Wives

20 Tips for Dealing with the Psycho Ex Wife

2012-01-18T09:50:00.000-08:00

20 Tips fordealing with the psycho ex wife.

When Ex-Wives Become Alienators

From: www.uncensoredentertainment.com/misc-dead-beat-moms.html

WHEN EX-WIVES BECOME ALIENATORS...

Here are common mistakes and common tactics of psycho ex wives:

To prevent the devastating effects of ParentalAlienation, you mustbegin by recognizing the symptoms of PA.You will notice that many of the symptoms or behaviors focus on the parent.When the child exhibits hatred and vilifies the targeted parent, then thecondition becomes parental alienation syndrome. After reading the list, don'tget discouraged when you notice that some of your own behaviors have beenalienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let the listhelp sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to yourchildren.

1. Giving children choices when they really have no choice about visits.
My step-son's mother would consistently dothis: Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when thecourt order says there is no choice sets up the child for conflict. The child will usually blame thenon-residential parent for not being able to decide to choose whether or not tovisit. The parent is now victimized regardless of what happens; not being ableto see his children or if they see them, the children are angry. Again, if youdo these things intentionally, it may give you a chuckle now knowing you arehurting your ex, but you are truly hurting your own child who eventually growsup, learns how things work and turns their back on YOU in turn. In literally90% of these cases, the parent who causes the problem ends up with the shortstick.

2. Telling the child what you want them to think is "everything"about the marital relationship or "all' reasons for the divorce is alsoalienating behavior.

The parentusually argues that they are "just wanting to be honest" with theirchildren. This practice is destructive and painful for the child. The alienating parent's motive is for thechild to think less of the other parent. In reality, the child always looks upto their father. If that parent lets them down in person, then that parentsuffers. If you are doing these things it is a let down and very damaging toyour own children. You will suffer eventually for these actions.

3. Refusing to acknowledge that children have property and may want totransport their possessions between residences. It doesn't matter whobought who what. Once it is given to someone, it is theirs to take to theirdads or moms if they want to.

4. Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parentaccess to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricularactivities.

Telling school professionals not to let the other parent haveaccess is going to work against you. These professionals know what you aredoing. They may humor you but they know the law. It is not yours to rewrite. So'behind' your back, they will grant legally to the other parent whatever it isthey need. Also note, ifthe opposing parent were so evil you felt they do not deserve access, why arethey allowed to walk the street? It will backfire in a big way in time.

5. A parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up thefamily, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. Just like when you hear someone elsetell the same tale, the child may not know it yet, but in time, just like whenyou heard it, they will know you are an excuse maker. The children do grow upand it's already happening, their eyes are coming open to your evilness.

6. Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respondto the child's needs or other parent's work schedule. The alienating parent may also schedulethe children is so many activities that the other parent is never given thetime to visits. Of course we all know you do this so when the targeted parentprotests you can described them as not caring and selfish. However, the childwill eventually wise up that the complaining parent only wants to see them andyou were the one conflicting the schedule. Remember telling everyone "NOMore Flex Time"?

7. Assuming that if a parent had been physically abusive with the otherparent, it follows that the parent will eventually assault the child. This assumption is not always true.Pretending this is true does not change the facts. Stop crying wolf, rewritinghistory of why you left the marriage bed and pretending daddy is a threat tothe children and that you fear for their LIVES.

8. Asking the child to choose one parent over another parent causes thechild considerable and irreversible distress. If you try to sneak in "Well,which of us would you rather be with?" you are looking for trouble.Typically, they do not want to reject either parent, but instead want to avoidthe issue. The child, not the parent, should initiate any suggestion for changeof residence.

9. Children will always at one time or another become angry with a parent. This is normal, particularly if theparent disciplines or has to say "no". If for any reason the anger isnot allowed to heal, you can suspect parental alienation. Trust your ownexperience as a parent. Children will forgive and want to be forgiven if givena chance. Be very suspicious when the child calmly says they cannot rememberany happy times with you or say anything they like about you. That means someone at home is brainwashing them.

10. Be suspicious when a parent or step-parent raises the question aboutchanging the child's name. A mother can change her name back to maiden butin the majority of cases where the child is denied the father's last name, theamount of further alienation is immeasurable. There is no other means thatcompares to show what is to come if a mother changes or denies the father'sname. It will not get better. In worse case scenarios I've even seen a sonchange how his last name is spelled to further alienate himself from thealienated father.

11. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent ortheir reasons are very vague without any details. This is because the alienated parenthas done nothing to them. The child becomes confused but eventually realizeswhen he grows up, it was all brain washing. If your children have gotten tothis point it's best to let them go, they will grow up and realize what theirmother did to their childhoods by leaving the marriage bed when she still hadsmall children to raise.

12. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or wordswith special meanings are very destructive and reinforce an on-goingalienation. Act your agebefore the child out grows you.

13. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for theparent's own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans thevictimized parent. Try thiswith a teenager and they may just switch homes on you after you've brainwashedthem about how much money you'll get if they live with the good mommy parentthat really loves them.

14. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child'svisitation. Planning vacations or special events or trips to the mall tobuy something they always wanted. Making the child late is another commonmistake. As a full time parent, you can easily schedule things around thevisiting parent. Learn to do so for the benefit of your children, isn't thatwhat a mother is supposed to do.

15. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their childhaving a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw andnot communicate. They willfrequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" toadmit they have fun with their other parent. Just as different breeds of dogscannot mate, they still get along and realize it's OK to be different. Thefaster you do this, the easier the rest of your life will become.

16. The parent asking the child about his/her other parent's personal lifecauses the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want tobe loyal to both parents. They also do not think of their parents in thislight. Putting them there will push them away from you.

17. When parents pretend to physically or psychologically rescue thechildren when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in thechild's mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienationuntil the child realizes the only fear is that of when you will pull this actagain. You will scare them into leaving you.

18. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders. You are not the law and eventually thelaw will find out and the law will enforce itself, correct you and cause suchembarrassment, it may cost you custody.

19. Listening in on the children's phone conversation they are having withthe other parent. They do notwant you listening in when they speak to their friends and you do not. So doyou not think they will find it bizarre if you suddenly insist on listening inon this particular conversation?

20. One way to cause your own alienation is making a habit of breakingpromises to your children. Especiallyif they are promises that deter the child from giving affection or time to theother parent. In time, your ex-spouse will get tired of having to make excusesfor you and the child will leave the truth.

You may think you knowbetter or are more clever than those who have tried this before you, but trustus, you do not know better nor realize what you are doing. You are damaging your own children'slives by having done this! Don't believe it? Someone else agrees.....

Parental Alienation: Three Types of Alienators:

The Naive Alienator

"Tell your father that he has more money than I do, so let him buy yoursoccer shoes."

Most divorced parents have moments when they are Naive alienators. Theseparents mean well and recognize the importance of the children having a healthyrelationship with the other parent. They rarely have to return to court becauseof problems with visits or other issues relating to the children. Theyencourage the relationship between the children and the other parent and theirfamily. Communication between both parents is usually good, though they willhave their disagreements, much like they did before the divorce. For the mostpart, they can work out their differences without bringing the children intoit.

Children, whether or not their parents are divorced, know there are times whentheir parents will argue or disagree about something. They don't like seeingtheir parents argue and may feel hurt or frightened by what they hear. Somehow,the children manage to cope, either by talking out their feelings to areceptive parent, ignoring the argument or trusting that the skirmish will passand all will heal. What they see and hear between their parents does nottypically damage the children of the naive alienator. They trust their parent'slove and protection. The child and the parent have distinct personalities,beliefs and feelings. Neither is threatened by how the other feels towards thetargeted parent.

The characteristics of Naive alienators are:

Their ability to separate in their minds the children's needs from their own.They recognize the importance for the children to spend time with the otherparent so they can build a mutually loving relationship. They avoid making theother parent a target for their hurt and loss.

Their ability to feel secure with the children's relationship with theirgrandparents and their mother or father.

Their respect for court orders and authority.

Their ability to let their anger and hurt heal and not interfere with thechildren's relationship with their mother or father.

Their ability to be flexible and willing to work with the other parent.

Their ability to feel guilty when they acted in a way to hurt the children'srelationship with their mother or father.

Their ability to allow the other parent to share in their children'sactivities.

Their ability to share medical and school records.

Naive alienators usually don't need therapy but will benefit from learningabout parental alienation because of the insight they will gain about how tokeep alienation from escalating into something more severe and damaging forall. These parents know they make mistakes but care enough about their childrento make things right. They focus on what is good for the children withoutregret, blame or martyrdom.

The Active Alienator

"I don't want you to tell your father that I earned this extra money. Themiser will take it from his child support check that will keep us from going toDisney World. You remember he's done this before when we wanted to go toGrandma's for Christmas."

Most parents returning to court over problems with visitation are activealienators. These parents mean well and believe that the children should have ahealthy relationship with the other parent. The problem they have is withcontrolling their frustration, bitterness or hurt. When something happens totrigger their painful feelings, active alienators lash out in a way to cause orreinforce alienation against the targeted parent. After regaining control, theparent will usually feel guilty or bad about what they did and back off fromtheir alienating tactics. Vacillating between impulsively alienating and thenrepairing the damage with the children is the trademark of the activealienator. They mean well, but will lose control because the intensity of theirfeelings overwhelms them.

The characteristics of active alienators are:

Lashing out at the other parent in front of the children. Their problem hasmore to do with loss of self-control when they are upset than with a sinistermotivation.

After calming down, active alienators realize that they were wrong. Theyusually try to repair any damage or hurt to the children. During the making up,such parents can be very comforting and supportive of the child's feelings.

Like naive alienators, they are able to differentiate between their needs andthose of the children by supporting the children's desire to have arelationship with the other parent.

Like naive alienators, active alienators allow the children to have differentfeelings and beliefs from their own. During the flare ups of anger, however,the delineation between the child and parent's beliefs can become very blurryuntil the parent calms down and regains control. For the most part, olderchildren have their own opinions about both parents based upon personalexperience rather than what they are told by others. To keep peace, the olderchild usually learns to keep their opinions to themselves. Younger and moretrusting children become more confused and vulnerable to their parents'manipulations.

They have the ability to respect the court's authority and, for the most part,comply with court orders. However, they can be very rigid and uncooperativewith the other parent. This is usually a passive attempt to strike back at theother parent for some injustice. Active alienators are usually willing toaccept professional help when they or the children have a problem that does notgo away. They are sincerely concerned about their children's adjustment to thedivorce. Harboring old feelings continues to be a struggle, but activealienators continue to hope for a speedy recovery from their pain.

The Obsessed Alienator

"I love my children. If the court can't protect them from their abusivefather, I will. Even though he's never abused the children, I know it's amatter of time. The children are frightened of their father. If they don't wantto see him, I'm not going to force them. They are old enough to make up theirown minds."

The obsessed alienator is a parent, or sometimes a grandparent, with a cause:to align the children to his or her side and together, with the children,campaign to destroy their relationship with the targeted parent. For thecampaign to work, the obsessed alienator enmeshes the children's personalitiesand beliefs into their own. This is a process that takes time but one that thechildren, especially the young, are completely helpless to see and combat. Itusually begins well before the divorce is final. The obsessed parent is angry,bitter or feels betrayed by the other parent. The initial reasons for thebitterness may actually be justified. They could have been verbally andphysical abused, raped, betrayed by an affair, or financially cheated. Theproblem occurs when the feelings won't heal but instead become more intensebecause of being forced to continue the relationship with a person they despisebecause of their common parenthood. Just having to see or talk to the otherparent is a reminder of the past and triggers the hate. They are trapped withnowhere to go and heal.

The characteristics of obsessed alienators are:

They are obsessed with destroying the children's relationship with the targetedparent.

They having succeeded in enmeshing the children's personalities and beliefsabout the other parent with their own.

The children will parrot the obsessed alienator rather than express their ownfeelings from personal experience with the other parent.

The targeted parent and often the children cannot tell you the reasons fortheir feelings. Their beliefs sometimes becoming delusional and irrational. Noone, especially the court, can convince obsessed alienators that they arewrong. Anyone who tries is the enemy.

They will often seek support from family members, quasi-political groups orfriends that will share in their beliefs that they are victimized by the otherparent and the system. The battle becomes "us against them." Theobsessed alienator's supporters are often seen at the court hearings eventhough they haven't been subpoenaed.

They have an unquenchable anger because they believe that they have beenvictimized by the targeted parent and whatever they do to protect the childrenis justified.

They have a desire for the court to punish the other parent with court ordersthat would interfere or block the targeted parent from seeing the children.This confirms in the obsessed alienator's mind that he or she was right all thetime.

The court's authority does not intimidate them.

The obsessed alienator believes in a higher cause, protecting the children atall cost.

The obsessed alienator will probably not want to read what is on these pagesbecause the content just makes them angrier.

There are no effective treatments for either the obsessed alienator or thechildren. The courts and mental health professionals are helpless. The onlyhope for these children is early identification of the symptoms and prevention.After the alienation is entrenched and the children become "truebelievers" in the parent's cause, the children are lost to the otherparent for years to come. We realize this is a sad statement, but we have yetto find an effective intervention, by anyone, including the courts that canrehabilitate the alienating parent and child.

Provided by Douglas Darnell, Ph.D.

Tyler Perry's Open Letter to Penn State 11-Year-Old

2012-01-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

Hollywood’s Tyler Perry writes to a young boy involved in the Penn State scandal to tell him he isn’t a victim at all—he’s a survivor.

I don’t know your name, but I know your face. I don’t know your journey, but I know where you are. I am your brother!

I must tell you, what you have done is so courageous. The strength that it must have taken for your 11-year-old voice to speak out about such a horrible act is something that I didn’t have the strength or courage to do at that age.

I was a very poor young black boy in New Orleans, just a face without a name, swimming in a sea of poverty trying to survive. Forget about living, I was just trying to exist. I was enduring a lot of the same things that you’ve come forward and said happened to you, and it was awful. I felt so powerless. I knew what was happening to me, but unlike you, I couldn’t speak about it because no one saw me. I was invisible and my voice was inaudible.

So to think that you, when you were only 11 years old, spoke up—you are my hero! I’m so proud of you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I want you to know you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault. Please know that you were chosen by a monster. You didn’t choose him. You didn’t ask for it and, most of all, you didn’t deserve it. What a huge lesson that was for me to learn. Your 11-year-old self was no match for wicked, evil tactics of this kind. You were hunted like prey. A pedophile looks for the young boys he thinks he can manipulate. The ones who have daddy or mommy issues, the ones who are broken, and the ones who are in need. But this wasn’t you.

Tyler Perry., Christian Lantry / Corbis Outline
Do you know that at the young age of 11 you had more courage than all the adults who let you down? All of the ones who didn’t go to the proper authorities, all of the ones who were worried about their careers, reputations, or livelihoods. All of the ones who didn’t want to get involved. Or even the ones who tried to convince your mother not to fight. You are stronger than them all! I wonder what they would have done if it were their own child.

I had a few of those adults in my life, too. They knew and did nothing. One of them even said to me that it was my fault, because I allowed myself to spend time with the molesters. And yes, this was someone who was in power and could have called the police, but instead this person allowed this criminal to go on molesting other young boys for many years. When I did tell a family member, I wasn’t believed. I suffered in silence. But not you, my young strong hero, you have done what many of us wish we could have done. You used your voice!

You know, now that you’re older you need to be aware that the aftermath of abuse may affect you for a very long time. But that’s OK; just know that the strength it took for you to talk about it then will help you get through it now. I often tell myself that if I made it through that experience as a child, then surely as a man I should be able to get past it. It still may take you a while, but that’s OK too. I have known people who have gone through the same things that we have, but unfortunately they were never able to admit it, and it destroyed them. They never went for help, and they let the abuse defeat them. Some of them went to prison for crimes, some are addicted to drugs, and some have even committed suicide. I know that none of these things will happen to you. You are too strong for that!

No matter what happens next, just know that the hardest part is over. I wish the coward and very sick individual who hurt you would have the courage to admit his wrong and not put you through a trial. But he will most likely profess his innocence until the bitter end. And probably, all the while, yelling at the top of his lungs about all he has done to help troubled young boys.

You may have to go through with that trial, and you may feel all alone when you’re on that witness stand, but just know that there are millions of young boys and grown men who are standing with you—including me. If every man who has ever been molested would speak up, you would see that we’re all around you. You may not know all of our faces and names, but my prayer is that you feel our strength holding you up. You will get through this; you’ve already endured the worst part at age 11. Now fight on, my young friend, fight on! We are all with you.

Tyler Perry is an actor, writer, director and philanthropist whose films and plays have grossed over a billion dollars. In 2010, he revealed on Oprah that he was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, inspiring a second show on which an audience of 200 men discussed their own abuse.

Start the New Year off with The 10 Rights of a Child in a Divorce

2012-01-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

The 10 Rights of a Child in a Divorce

• To be told that my mother and father still love me and will never divorce me.

• To be told that the divorce is not my fault and not to be told about the adult problems that caused it.

• To be treated as a human being---not as another piece of property to be fought over, bargained over or threatened with.

• To have decisions about me based on my best interest, rather than past wrongs, hurt feelings, or my parent's needs.

• To love both my parents without being forced to choose or feel guilty.

• To know both my parents through regular, frequent involvement in my life.

• To have the financial support of both my father and mother.

• To be spared hearing bad hurtful comments about either of my parents which have no useful purpose.

• Not to be asked to tell a lie or act as a spy or messenger.

• To be allowed to care about others without having to choose or feel guilty.

Helpful Resources for Parents
One of the best books on getting along with your ex spouse is Mom's House, Dad's House: A Complete Guide For Parents Who Are Separated, Divorced Or Remarried by Isolina Ricci.
Do a reality check on yourself and your anger by reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
Check out these web pages regarding the effects of divorce on children. Also do a web search on "divorce" to find other helpful pages.
See our own award-winning web pages on anger management at http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut
MEDSCAPE - PEDIATRIC NEWS: Avoiding Post-divorce Pitfalls That Damage Childrenhttp://news.medscape.com/IMNG/PediatricNews/1999/v33.n07/ped3307.28.01.html Predictors of successful adolescent development after divorce include repartnering of the custodial parent and time with the noncustodial parent. (To access the article you will have to register with Medscape. Registration is free.)
AMERICAN COUNSELING ASSOCIATION: Frequently Asked Questions in Marriage and Family Counselinghttp://www.counseling.org/enews/volume_1/0107a.htm Legal and ethical questions are given in counseling clients involved in divorce or custody proceedings.
JOURNAL OF FAMILY PSYCHOLOGY: Delinquent Behavior, Future Divorce or Nonmarital Childbearing, and Externalizing Behavior Among Offspring: This 14 year study concludes that parents' personal behavior and personality have a greater impact on their children's behavior than the parents' marital status! http://www.apa.org/journals/fam/fam134568.html
AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY: Making Custody Agreements Work.http://www.aamft.org/families/Making%20Custody.htm Ideas to help families structure custody agreements that will encourage connections to the absent parent.
IOWA STATE UNIVERSITY: Divorce Matters: Talking With Your Child's Other Parent . A good handout for divorcing parents. http://www.exnet.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1640.pdf

Ex Wives who need to Let Go of the Past and Move On to Your New Life

2011-12-31T12:12:00.000-08:00

Angry and or Psycho Ex Wives would do alot better if they would only let go of the past and focus on moving on to their own new life and leave the ex husbands new wife's life alone.

If a lot of your energy is going to fighting your ex, instead of getting on with your life, you have a serious problem. Swallow your pride and break into any denial about how your angry acting out does not hurt your child because you are dead wrong. If your conflict with your ex spouse causes problems in your new relationships and you can't keep a man, get help. If you and your new love can't get it together on discipline, take a step parenting class or at least read some books on step parenting. If you can't work out your frustration on your own, get help. If you have been trying to calm your anger, but it's not working, that's a signal you need someone to help you get a handle on it.

Use your anger to make a positive difference in your future. Anger is a momentum which gives energy for change. Use it to get off dead center and invest it in making a difference. Go to Divorce Recovery classes or anger management counseling.

You only get one chance in the raising of your child and you've already blown it for the others. The childhood years cannot be taken back and redone. If you blow it, your child suffers for life! Professional help is available. There are agencies that have a sliding scale for counseling to fit your circumstances since you're on welfare. Even if it costs you some money, get help. Money is not the object here. Your child's success in life is the important thing. Your kids are worth it.

Make your goal to get a working relationship with the other parent of your child. If you are willing to see how your angry actions affect your child and do something about it, then your child that's left will have the best chance for a happy future. The pain of the divorce can start to heal for everyone. Your life will become happier and get back on even keel, Remember, the best revenge for the misery of the divorce you caused by moving out is making a good life for yourself, after all isn't that what you wanted in the first place! And your child will be the better for your investment in his and your future.

Have a nice life.

Dos and Don'ts for Parents Behaving Badly

2011-12-23T16:05:00.000-08:00

Dos and Don'ts for Parents Behaving Badly

So, it is grow up time Missy! Maturity is dealing with custody issues and creating happy transitions between the two homes. Your child will "win" after a divorce if he is given the best of both worlds--mom's house and dad's house. This was the best gift you could have given your sons, son's who are now hurting and confused because their basic security has been threatened and destroyed by their very own mother!

* If you want to do something invaluable for your child, create a positive relationship with their dad. If you can't be positive, at least be civil. Remaining civil, in the face of great anger, shows that you are being mature. Someday when your child is grown, they will thank you for keeping a cool head during the difficult times.

* Never discuss your ex with your child. Do not talk about your ex when your child can overhear it. Your child wants to be loyal to both mom and dad. Hearing one parent trash the other sets up confusion and not knowing what to believe. If what you say is inaccurate, based on your feelings of hurt and betrayal, your child will eventually figure it out and distance from you. Children bond with parents with whom they feel safe. Your child will not feel safe to talk about unhappy feelings if you are bashing his or her mother or dad.

* Do not ask your child to carry messages between you and your ex. That puts the child in the middle and creates confusion. Work out some amiable way of discussing situations with your ex. Be the bigger person and insist on being straight forward to calm things between you and your ex.

* Stop thinking of your former spouse as your ex-wife or ex-husband. Think of them as the mother of your child or the father of your child. Your new relationship with them is to become the best parents of the child or children that you have created together. You have a responsibility to find ways to develop a working relationship with them to co-parent your child. That is your new job description.

* Remember, you chose this person to be the mother or father of your child. There must have been good points for you to choose them for this most important role. Think back and focus on the good aspects of your former spouse. Look for ways that they are being an effective parent. Keep your mind on their positive points, not on what they are doing wrong.

* Stop thinking about the money or visitation issues and how unfairly you have it. What is, is. If you don't like your reality about the settlement, do something about it. Either go back to court and get it changed or let it go. Put up or shut up. No matter how bad or rotten you now think your ex is, no matter how bad and rotten your ex may actually be, you make it worse by dwelling on it. Dwelling on unfairness only makes you miserable and blocks your ability to move ahead in life. Children deserve a parent who isn't always bent out of shape because he or she doesn't like the legal arrangements.

* Don't ask your child about what the other parent does. It is none of your business and may signal some hidden jealousy on your part. Don't check up on them or feel that you have a right to make judgements about what he or she is doing. Divorce took away that right. Having to report on or answer questions about the absent mother or father puts your child in a lose-lose scene. Grilling your child will backfire on you--you will lose his or her trust.

* Your ex's decisions and behavior are totally their own responsibility unless, of course, your child is placed in a harmful situation. Then you are obliged to speak up. Do a reality check with a neutral third party to see if there is actual harm to your child or you are just upset. If your child complains about small ways he is being treated by your ex, and your ex is unable to hear you, tell your child that he must address it with that parent. You can't troubleshoot for him in this situation. If he can't speak up, get him into counseling so that he can become more assertive or at least learn to deal with the situation.

* Stop and think of each demand that you make on the mother or father of your child and the direct consequences it will have on your child. Follow visitation times to the letter. Not following the legal arrangements or asking to change visitation dates only causes more conflict for your child.

* You play games with your child's mind if you do not show up on time or not at all or if you do not bring your child home at the agreed upon time. Your child will keep score on this. Some children sit by the window for hours waiting for a parent who doesn't show up. They may pretend they don't care, but they will feel abandoned if you don't keep your word. Their anger about being lied to may take years to surface, but it will come out at you at some time in the future. Your lifelong relationship with your child is at stake. Do what you say you will do. You brought this child into the world and now you have a responsibility to be the grownup and a stable parent.

* If your new love interest or partner is insecure, he or she may intensify the bad situation by adding fuel to the flame. Be wary about their agenda if they initiate anger related discussions with you on a regular basis about the unfairness of your ex spouse. You probably feel hurt and betrayed enough which leads to your becoming angrier. A more mature partner will support your decisions about custody but will not become overly emotionally involved fueling your anger so that the situation actually get worse.

Taking your hurt and anger out on your ex-spouse WILL damage your child. How you deal with your ex is another indicator of your self-esteem and maturity. If you are raging, then you have lots of problems to work out. If you blow it and act out with anger, apologize to your ex and to your child. Then make a resolution to better in the future. Keep working at keeping your temper under control You don't have to be a jerk where the parent of your child is concerned. You don't have to be a jerk in any situation. Acting like a jerk is your choice--let your conscience be your guide, not your righteous indignation.

Get some professional help for you and your remaining child....

Denial of Your Immature Behavior Only Perpetuates the Problem

2011-12-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

Denial of Your Immature Behavior Only Perpetuates the Problem

If you think you aren't hurting your child when you rag about their other parent, you are in denial. Keep a check on how you deny your inappropriate behavior. Denial distorts reality by seeing all the wrong your ex does, while telling yourself that your behavior is impeccable. You may minimize and ignore the damage that your actions cause your child. You may rationalize actions and make excuses for your bad behavior.

Rationalizing is always lying to yourself. Energy is put in to justifying your behavior instead of seeking solutions to help your child deal with one of the greatest losses he or she will ever face--the intact family.

Any time you blame anyone other than yourself for your anger, that is denial, for sure. Denial of your own anger is a way of lying to yourself. Lying can become more and more practiced until you can convince yourself that you are blameless. Convincing yourself of how bad the other parent is, always backfires on you and damages your child. Your child is a little pitcher with big ears who takes everything he hears in. In addition, you teach your child that not only do mommies cause the marriages to end, but it is okay for people who used to love each other to treat each other badly.

Anything that you say that follows the word "but" is frequently denial. (I didn't mean to yell at him, but he made me so mad.) When you are unwilling to look at what you are doing because you fear finding out you are wrong, that is denial. The only cure for denial is to give up the lies and admit to yourself the reality of the harm your child faces.

Divorce is hard enough for the child, don't add parental immaturity to what your child has already suffered.

Helping Your Child Survive his angry mom after a Difficult Divorce

2011-12-16T16:16:00.000-08:00

Helping Your Child Survive his angry mom after a Difficult Divorce

A Psychologist Who has Dealt with the Pain of Many Children Whose Parents Act Irrationally During Divorce Tells It Like It Is!

It is tough to be a child of divorced parents. It is absolutely terrifying to be the child of divorced parents who are constantly at war with each other! Divorce hurts your children, if you think it doesn't you are selfishly kidding yourself. It is a terrible thing to have happen to a family. Everyone gets hurt, but your children will remain scarred for years when parents continue the war. Research shows that negative behaviors coming from mothers acting out in front of their own children after a divorce can cause more problems to a child than the divorce itself.

There are three ways of acting that divorcing parents can make. These three ways of acting during and after a divorce are (1.) Argumentative, (2.) Disengagement, (3.) Cooperating. The type of arrangement that you engage in, is directly related to the level of real love you have for your children and the level of protecting your children or lack thereof clearly shows your level of maturity and intelligence.

People who are getting divorced often try to control the person they are divorcing. Rationally, this makes no sense. If you couldn't change your spouse when you were married to them, there is no way you can force change on them now, why would that thought even cross your mind? You can't win by demanding, yelling, sweawring or saying bad things about your ex. Anger only escalates the conflict in the situation and then both sides dig their heels in and the child loses.

Patricia Evans in her important book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, says that verbal abusers often have had an insecure childhood that created an unhealthy (sometimes abnormal) need to control others. OR they were spoiled when they were young and continue to think that everything should go their way. Evans says people who yell and scream at others really don't have their own personal power. So the abuser avoids feelings of powerlessness by trying to dominate and control others.

Do not let your child be a witness to your anger at his or her other parent. Belittling your child's mother or father is a form of child abuse that can affect your child's self esteem permanently. Your child is half of the other parent. If you criticize your ex, your child will feel ashamed of half of him or herself. You WILL hurt your child if you habitually yell at your ex, trash talk about them, if you are self righteous in explaining how wrong their point of view is or if you try to evade the legal custody arrangement.

Often, the greater a person's sense of guilt about how they have acted in the marriage or during the divorce, the greater their need to cast blame on others and not take responsibility for their own behavior. So look to your own motives if you act out your anger by blaming your ex.

Screaming, taunting, cursing and calling others names or making threats are all verbal abuse! If you habitually yell, threaten, tell the other parent that he is wrong and call them dumb, stupid or uncaring then that is abuse! If you twist things around, try to have the last word, pick fights and look for the wrong in everything your ex spouse does to start arguments or threaten to go back to court frequently over small things, guess what? You are a verbal abuser.

In bad mouthing your ex, you add to his stress and parental stress deeply effects the harmony of your child. Being a single parent is hard. If you think of the best interests of your child, you will want to support your ex spouse emotionally, rather than create more stress for them. The more you keep your anger in check, the better off your child will be.

Engaging in inappropriate verbal behavior comes down to being ego invested that you are right. It often is based on the egotistical idea that you are so unique a person that the rules of basic kindness which apply to others shouldn't apply to you, especially where your ex spouse is concerned. The rules of kindness always apply even though your former spouse may be angry, manipulative, or downright mean. Keep your integrity by refusing to stoop to a low level. Find safe outlets for your anger. If you can't control your anger when you talk to your ex about visitation arrangements by yourself, take an anger management class.

Letters to the Psycho Ex Wife ......

2011-12-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

Your poor your Poor Pitiful Martyred act is getting old and I won’t tolerate it any longer, it was YOU who ended your relationship, it was YOU who cheated and it was YOU who threw their dad out and then it was YOU who made HIM out to be the bad guy! I do not care that you are finding out life is a struggle, you chose to have these kids but you do not seem to want to take any responsibility for them or for their problematic behaviors. You seem to find it acceptable to call us at all hours of the day, especially when we are on VACATION miles away and swear and yell abuse and throwing defamatory remarks around in front of the children when they are misbehaving and you can no longer control them and you want us to fix the problem. It is not our problem you are an incompetent mother, it’s YOUR week remember, they don’t have to do anything daddy tells them to do when it’s YOUR week! So stop calling when you have the kids asking daddy to make it stop! You are a pathetic excuse for a mother.

It is not our fault that you are unable to plan your money properly and spend it pissing it down the drain on drunken night’s out that I and your community have personally bore witness to more than once. This is going to be a very hard concept for you to grasp but that money is for the children, not for you but it’s nice to see you spending it so wisely on trying to catch another big sucker I mean fish.

My personal life is none of your business, I have a career and prospects (unlike you), I do not drink (unlike you), I do not take drugs (unlike you who always took your “Happy Pills” , unlike you I can manage to hold down a full-time job and make wise investments. I have never put the children anywhere close to danger or harm and their well-being is of the utmost importance to me (unlike you) so, therefore, how I live my life has nothing to do with you.

I really feel it’s time you got over your uterus. Really, you don’t OWN other human beings and certainly not your children!

When the children are with us they spend their time using their imaginations, playing in the back garden or interacting with other children when we take them to the park, they read books, practice their handwriting and arithmetic and actually get to do their homework for a change. (Do you know your son has lost an entire point in his GPA while in your care? Do you care?)

None of which they do with you because you all you do is park them in front of the TV, Xbox or Wii to keep them quiet, this is not what I would call spending constructive time with your children and their difficulties and bad behaviors are your fault because all you do is let them play videogames and watch PORN on the internet. The age-restrictions on games, movies and PORN are there for a reason.

I am fully aware that I am not your children’s mother and so are they. My children would never talk to or treat people like yours do. Whilst you are more than happy to take all of our money, you then deny us access every time you get ants in your pants because you are unable to take responsibility for the dipsh*t decisions YOU have made in your life.

You might have been married to my husband and some point in time YEARS AND YEARS AGO….and you might be the mother of his kids but we now despise you for ruining his children’s lives and, personally, I would never be friends with someone like you because not only do you lack a moral compass you are also nothing but a parasite, a welfare entitlement LEECH. We have no room in our lives or our relationship for you any longer. GET OVER IT.

To my step-sons your father loves you more than you will ever know. It is not his fault that he is the only biological parent financially supporting you. He is not heartless nor is he selfish. His hard earned money goes to you in order for you to have nice things. He never had the things you have growing up. All the name brand things he wore to school when he was 15 were bought with his own money that he earned working for his father and people in the neighborhood. He can’t help the fact that the money given to your mother each month is not used wisely on you. He supports you in more ways than you know. Do you know how much gas money he spent every month to take you and your sibling places because there is no one else to drive you to school, dental appointments and sprots activities? DON’T YOU REMEMBER? You don’t see your father as much anymore because he has to work and your MOTHER has alienated him from you. He wants you to grow up and learn to not be afraid of work. He wants you to be a humble man that will always lend a helping hand to anyone in need. He wants you to work hard for all the things you have in your life. Take good care of all the new things you receive…money doesn’t grow on trees, well your mother didn’t ever think it would anyway, she was wrong, but your father and I did make money grow on trees for you. “Thank you” is such a powerful phrase. I hope and pray that you will be able to look at your father one day and say “Thank you” because he has truly sacrificed more than you will ever know for you and your siblings to be able to enjoy life during your childhood…even if you are not enjoying it with him.

Your Sons Step-Mother

25 Rules for the Bio-Mom from your favorite.... the Step-Mother

2011-12-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Biological Mother with the Golden Uterus aka.malicious mother, psycho ex wife, manipulator, etc.

It’s your arch enemy the step mom. I really enjoy getting my daily chuckle out of the lists, restrictions and rules you feel you can put on me in my own home. I am fully capable of understanding what BOUNDARIES are and have enough common sense to understand when and where I am needed IN MY OWN HOME. I am fully aware that I am not your child(ren)’s mother and while I was required to raise them because you were too busy partying it up/non exsistant, that fact does not escape me. However, I am tired of you thinking because you are the MOOOOOOM you can do whatever you want when it comes to MY husband and MY home. So hunny, here are a few rules for you.

1) Don’t buy presents from the kids for my husband. – I am fully capable of getting in my car and driving to the store with the kids and having them pick out something for my husband for father’s day or his birthday or Christmas. I am fully capable of having them actually make him something that reflects their interests and then instead of making it myself. Also, and though you will disagree, I know my husband’s interests as of this moment in time. You may have been with him for a while, but I can pretty much guarantee you he is not the same person he was when he was with you, therefore that gargoyle fountain that you think he would just love and buy for him under the guise of it being from SD and SS because you think a turkey fryer is stupid, yeah…no….

2) Don’t come to my house and start crap. – I stay away from your house as much as humanly possible. It’s inevitable that you will HAVE to come to my house at some point to pick up/drop off the kids. It does not need to end with a vulgar shouting match in my driveway with my husband, especially not in front of the kids. Keep your chunky self in your car, if you get antsy I’ll even let you honk your horn and not grind my teeth about it. Trust me, DH and I are well aware of when you show up, and as soon as your car pulls in the driveway, we are corraling the kids out the door to avoid interaction with you on a personal level.

3) Don’t talk to me. – If you haven’t spoken to me in eight years, don’t suddenly think you are going to pass on vital information about the kids to me. I don’t particularly want to speak with you. You previously had kids with my husband. Talk to him, although he has also came to the realization that it doesn't do any good. Especially if you are just going to send him an e-mail with the exact same information later, there’s no need to speak with me. I’m perfectly happy getting the information from my husband thank you.

4) The kids have a father. – I know you’d like to pretend that they don’t or that your current flavor of the month "significant other" is their real father. However, they have one and regardless of how YOU feel about him, he has always wanted to be involved in their well being. Don’t try to shut him out of medical decisions, remove him from school notices, school web sites, or get mad when their father does something for the kids. At the end of the day, these kids need BOTH their parents and honestly sweatheart you should be grateful that their father fights so hard for them, because not everyone would when they constantly have to deal with a vile woman like you.

5) I am not the enemy. – Yes, I loath you. On a personal level I would never be friends with someone like you because I find you utterly disturbing and your mental health more than questionable. However, I am not the enemy. I don’t live my life solely to try and make your children love me more than you or try to replace you as their mother. They and I both know that I didn’t give birth to them. Children need people who love them, and guess what I did love them and they loved me back, and you need to get over it.

6) Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but it’s really creepy… – You do realize when you show up at my house in a brand new car after I just bought one, I’m standing in the living room laughing at you right? When you go out and buy the exact same couch I have, and I find out about it (trust me, I’ll find out) it’s really kind of pathetic. Or you show up at school functions dressed like me? I know it’s hard to be your own person, but trust me, you’ll never get to be me so don’t bother trying. Not to mention, you don’t look near as good in skirts as I do, as your legs are too "chunky".

7) Don’t expect me to sit around and wait for you to get off your butt to do a first. – I understand that you may want to do the first mani/pedi with your daughter. I understand that you may want to be the one that teaches her all about shaving her legs. However, do not expect me to sit around and wait for you to hop to it, especially when your daughter is running around looking like Chewbacca. I’m not going to sit there and let the children suffer because you are lazy. And trust me, whatever “wrath” you come up with after they come home rolls off my shoulders because I know I still did the right thing no matter how pissed off you are about it. If your daughter begs you to get her ears pierced for five months and you put it off, you loose your right to yell at me and my husband about taking her. So suck it up and try being pro-active if you want these firsts. And seriously you should have thought about that years ago when you were out cheating on my husband.

8 ) Co-parenting needs to be consistant, not just when it’s what YOU want. – So SS punched a kid in the stomach and you want him grounded. Wonderful, we are happy to invoke the same restriction period at our house. However, when SD gets written up at school for yelling at her teacher and we ground her, we expect the same curtosy from you. I don’t care if your grandfather is in a nursing home. I don’t care if your mother is visiting. If you want to co-parent, fantastic, but it needs to be all the time, not just when it’s convienent for you. Trust me, if we don’t think a punishment is appropriate, we will tell you and the kids tell it when you let them watch Prince of Persia at midnight instead of them being grounded from the TV for not doing their homework….Then the school tells it when you allow them to freewheel at your house.

9) Look up your children’s schedules. – I am not your slave. I know you know my husband didn’t suddenly get responsible (he is a man after all) and start keeping up with the kids schedules on his own. That would be me. However, if you think that I am going to e-mail you once a week with reminders…that would be a no. I don’t care that you are going to school "to better yourself", and have three whole people’s schedules to keep up with and work full time cause guess what, I do the same with more people and manage to do it just fine. It doesn’t affect me when you don’t show up at Open House but trust me, your kid notices, and it’s not my husband’s fault you didn’t get the memo…

10) At least pretend you respect the things we choose to share with the kids. – So I chose to make sure that your daughter doesn’t read inappropriate books on her own by pre-screening supernatural tween fiction and allowing her to read a selection of books. There’s no need to be a jerk about it and there’s no need to throw my books in the trash can. This is something that your daughter and I share. So I take your son cat fishing sometimes. There’s really no need to talk bad about it and tell him that’s stupid and we are broke and lazy therefore we don’t do anything FUN with them. Guess what, up until two seconds ago, cat fishing WAS fun to him, just like hunting used to be until YOU. If you want to waste thousands of dollars on movies, pizza, go carts, fat clothes etc, that’s fine, go right ahead, but this family is still trying to live after you get your massive child support check each month so excuse us if we try to show the kids joy in the little things. Do your thing, I know how much boys love "shopping in the city"... not, and we will do ours.

11) Child Support, learn what it is for. – We are not giving you extra money for cigarettes. We are not giving you extra money for your new clothes. We are not giving you extra money for pedicures or your car note. It is not our problem if you just went and bought a house and a brand new fridge and then LOST IT. That was YOUR choice. Not ours. And it sure didn’t cure your Jimmy Choo’s habit. We do for the kids on our time AND we pay child support. Child support is FOR THE CHILDREN. I know it’s a hard concept for you but your own son on a taped conversation told us "the money you send isn't for us, it's mom's money", but our child support check we send is supposed to cover things for the child….and yet it still doesn't.

12) Stay away from your ex’s family. – Guess what? You cheated and left their son/grandson/brother for another man. THEY REALLY DON’T LIKE YOU ANYMORE. They might be nice to your face because you are half the reigns to their grandchildren/neices/nephews but they despise you. You aren’t invited to family reuinions. You aren’t invited to birthday parties. And you sure as hell aren’t invited to read the eulogy at Memaw’s funeral. Doesn’t your new man for the week have a family? Go bug them please. This also applies to my husband’s friends. Especially the life long ones.

13) You aren’t getting me in trouble. – All those calls to the IRS, CPS, Organic Board and the Police, Those little jabs you try to make at me by telling my husband something I said/did, those aren’t getting me in trouble. I can make you a bet that anything I say or do, my husband either approves or knows about in advance, especially when it comes to the kids. And by the way, we have better things to do than sit around and talk about you.

14) I don’t “play house”. – Just saying.

15) My personal life is really non of your concern. – Unless I’m a stripper flaunting everything I've got and taking your kids to work with me, my personal life is non of your concern. Pumping the kids for information on my promotion, or what my husband bought me for my 30th birthday, or how we could afford to re-tile the house really makes you look pathetic and childish. Besides the fact that it’s non of your damn business and our financial decisions aren’t something we share with the kids anyway. Duh.

16) Get Over Your Uterus – I have my own children and I also know how to take care of them. So when your child has bronchitis, don’t get pissed off when I tell you and happen to be right just because YOU didn’t diagnose it. I know how to take care of a sick kid, a happy kid, a sad kid, a loving kid. Just because I didn’t turn my vagina into a clown car doesn’t mean I can’t parent.

17.) If you start off threatening to kill me and being hateful, do not expect me to believe you’ve changed or start being your BFF because you’re acting sane for 15 minutes one day. I know your history, we all know your history, and I know how you are. I don’t trust you, and I don’t like you, and I don’t really care if you want to apologize or not. It’s not happening, because I know you’ll just do the same thing next time you have another imagined slight, because your crazy and that is what crazy people do.

18.) My husband is NOT your friend. I know you think you have secrets with him and he doesn’t tell me what you say, but guess what: he DOES tell me every thing you say and do. If he liked you enough to be your friend, I’m sure you could have made your relationship work, but he doesn’t, because you’re insane.

19.) Get a JOB. If you cannot afford to live without the child support coming in, get off your chunky duff and get a job, and again, if you cannot afford to live without the CS coming in, it’s probably a bad for you, you poor thing. Lack of financial planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part.

20) Dont play martyr with ME! You chose to have those kids, you chose to run off and get a divorce, you chose to have this woe-is-me attitude when it suits you – but thats not MY problem – its yours, so dont expect sympathy for decisions you chose to make. Your screw ups, lost jobs, lost vehicles, lost houses, bankruptcy and kid doing poor in school belong purely with you not us, nobody feels sorry for you. You make me laugh at your terrible parenting and prioritising skills.

21) My income and property does not entitle you to get more money from having children with your ex. Hey, guess what IT'S MY MONEY! NOT YOURS! Buying myself a car (hot red Porsche) with my money from my job that I go to every single day and bust my butt at does not mean that you should be getting more Child Support. I am not responsible for your child. my money and what I buy with it is none of your business. You are crazy.

22) The Child Support obligation to my SS puts on your ability to support your joint spawn is not my problem. If you can’t feed’em don’t breed’em.

23) Parking your kid in front of a video game or playing WoW all night with him is not parenting. Yes, you ARE responsible for him nearly failing HS and if it were not for his dad and I forcibly making the school watch and report his grades my SS would be living on your couch, playing video games just like you. Spounging off of your parents does not make you a viable adult.

24) You do not get an opinion on parenting my SKids until you can support yourself without Child Support from my husband. No job, no opinion so shut up until you are a contributing member of society and not a welfare, entitlement and Child Support breeder.

23) I have been married to my husband for far longer than you were with him. In fact he married me and refused to marry you. He chose me to be his wife, spend his life with and help him raise his children. I have his present and his future. You should consider that all you have of him is his past.... before you fill his children with your revisionist recollections of you and their pitiful abusive past. Most importantly you must never forget that the youngest one you tried to claim was his … is not. You cheated which was the last straw for my husband. You should be greatful that we accept your youngest child in to our home as one of our own with his older sister and brothers. We are the people of character in the lives of your children. You are not.

24) Have a nice life.

25) Raise my step children well so in two short years you can go away for good and then we will no longer give you a shred of thought, our precious time or MONEY.

Truly, get a life and quit worrying about ours. Yes, we have a great life and you don't, yes we have money and you don't, yes we are happy and you are not, yes our kids are grown and yours are not, yes we get to travel and you don't, yes we have great friends and an even better family.
So sorry... you should have been faithful and stayed home.... he would have never kicked you to the curb.

Ensuring your child's success after divorce.

2011-12-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why some children with parents who have divorced are faring WAY better than yours? Respecting these ten rules of post-divorce parenting can be a powerful contributing factor to your son's success after you choose to get a divorce. Remember a DIVORCE is something YOU CHOOSE not YOUR SONS! Keeping these rules will not only help the children, it will help you too.

1. This Christmas give your child the gift of not having to choose between their parents.

Asking and or forcing children especially son's to be cut off from their father and extended family compounds the loss that your divorce already creates. Allowing children to maintain regular access to both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can contribute to a child's self-esteem, as well as their sense of security and belonging.

When children return from a visit, either with the other parent or with relatives, refrain from asking competitive 50 questions. Everyone has something different to offer, even the new step-mother you never thought far enough ahead about.... and children need all of it. They need the parent with more money, as well as the parent with more love. They need the parent / step-parent who is better at helping with homework as well as the one that makes the best spaghetti and meatballs. Who are you to choose for them who they want to spend time and activities with? You wanted to get a divorce from their father so you could choose other men to spend time with, why don't your children get to do the same?

Asking your children to choose one parent over another, whether overtly or through subtle messages, will create anxiety, depression and guilt. Not knowing who to choose creates anxiety. This is especially detrimental for a mother to force SON's to abandon their own FATHER. So does fear of reprisal by the scorned parent. Being "unfaithful" to a FATHER can create tremendous feelings of guilt in SON's. This can lead to hurt and anger in the child for having being asked to make that difficult choice. Some children will disconnect emotionally from both parents as a way of coping with having to make a life altering decision such as this while a Child. Everyone loses in that scenario, mostly your own sons and or daughters. It is equally damaging for fathers to force daughters to abandon mothers. It is damaging in more ways than a hateful mother can imagine.

Accept that your child benefits from having a relationship with both parents. (This obviously does not apply in cases where there is any risk of danger or abuse to the child. For the sake of this article, it is assumed that if such protection is needed it was obtained in court.)
Allow your child to enjoy what each parent has to offer without making them feel guilty.

2. Refrain from speaking poorly of your ex to your children.

It's mentally abusive to harm and sabotage your own son's relationship with their father when it's you and not them who file for divorce. Just because your marriage did not work out as you had hoped doesn't mean your children want a divorce from their father. You may be hurt, disappointed and angry, But remember, you're the adult and your children didn't want a divorce! Children need to respect their parents. When you tell them they don't have to do what their father tells them "Because it's not his week", you are teaching them to be disrespectful, what you apparently never thought far enough ahead for was that you have taught them to disrespect YOU ALSO! Teaching them to be obedient helps them to respect authority in general, and to grow up to be self-respecting and self-disciplining. When you are critical of your former spouse you are teaching your child to be critical and judgmental of the very person they should have had the closest bond with in their entire life. Even if sarcasm, bitterness and hurtful statements were a trademark of your marriage, lose it in your post-divorce reality. Haven't they already lost enough?

Even if your spouse bad-mouths you, don't need to respond, don't retort. It only lowers your child's respect for you and makes you look small. You might feel that if you do not "defend" yourself, your children will think less of you. In reality, it is the on-going fighting that will lead to an erosion of respect for you.

Negative speech undermines your child's trust in both parents.

There is another selfish reason to not speak poorly of your former spouse. If someone speaks poorly of someone you love, what do you do? Usually you run to defend them, even if you suspect that they are wrong. When you begin attacking your ex, you are forcing your child to come to your ex's defense, even if it is silently only in the child's mind.

Negative speech undermines your child's trust in the speaker, as well as the person who is being spoken about. It can even affect their ability to respect and trust adults in general. Be careful not to send your child the message that all members of your former spouse's gender are bad, particularly not to your children of that SAME gender.

Proactively protect your child from having to listen to harmful speech.
Commit to respecting the best interests of your children regardless of what your former spouse does.

3. Spare your children the details.

Sharing too much information about how hard your life has become only confuses and burdens children. Giving your child too much information might be a subtle (or not so subtle) way of asking them to help you. (They are your CHILDREN not your Parent!) Rather than going into the details of how little money is in your account, stick to a simple "we need to be smart about how we spend our money now." As the adult, you will need to find the best way to pay your bills, that is what you wanted remember? Freedom from the controlling man. Even if it means getting a job, taking a loan, or asking someone to help out financially until you can make necessary changes. That is not your child's responsibility or burden to carry. Don't obtain custody of your children solely for the money they will bring you! It will almost always surely backfire on you in the long run.

Remember that all the changes and issues that are troubling you are probably troubling them, too now because it was YOU that wanted a divorce. If you make them feel that you are unable to handle it, they will lose their sense of security. They need you to be there for them, not the other way around; don't make them feel that in addition to everything they're going through, they need to be there for the mommy in their life. And for goodness sake's DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR HALF GROWN SONS!

Make your calls to your lawyer or your friends to vent about your ex at a time and place where your children are not in earshot.

Spare your children the details of the difficulties your divorce has created. They have their own difficulties to deal with. Don't leave all the court papers out for them to read!!! What a horrible thing to do to your children's mind! It's abusive and sick, if you have already done this, then beg for your children's forgiveness.
Do all of your venting out of your children's earshot.

4. Don't make your child your messenger.

There are numerous ways for former spouses to communicate. Some people choose to speak on the phone, others send text messages or e-mails to one another. Others might continue to communicate through their attorneys. All of these ways work. Using children as the "mailman" between the two parents does not work and again is abusive.

Your role as a mother is to protect your child, not to put him in the middle of two warring factions.

"Tell your father we have nothing to eat!" "Tell your mother that I also don't!" Such exchanges communicate a strong message of insecurity and vulnerability to a child. It leaves them wondering, "If both of the people who I would turn to for the basics don't have, what will happen to me?" Your role as a parent is to protect your child, not to put him in the middle of two warring factions. Children have a hard time separating the words and facial expressions that are spoken to them, and the fact that they were not meant for them, especially if they were meant for someone else that they love.

Choose a healthy method of communication with your former spouse that keeps your child out of the middle.
Hurting your spouse "through" your child is nothing more than hurting your child and is ABUSE.

5. Let go of your former spouse.

It seems so obvious. You left and got a divorce not your kids and husband. The marriage is over. Some people who can't live together in love try to continue the relationship through hatred. You have given up on the marriage, moved out and bought a house, stop trying to control his life when you can't even control your own. The sooner you accept that the relationship is over, the sooner you can let go of the need to suffer. Some Borderline Personality Disorder women mistakenly believe that if they suffer enough their ex will come back (and save them.) It is a painful fantasy to have to live with.

Rather than interrogating your children about what your ex and his new wife are up to, focus on what is going on in your own house. If you really want to "get even," let it be by moving on and having a good life in spite of the divorce, that's what you wanted.... remember you told everyone "it's the best thing that ever happened to the boys". When you put your energy into punishing or getting back at your ex husband and your son's new step-mother, you are really only punishing yourself and your children.

Accept your divorce, let go of the need to "get back" at your ex.
Focus on rebuilding your own life in a healthy and positive way.

6. Set boundaries and expectations for your children.

Set healthy boundaries for behavior in your home. If you are not sure what they should be under your particular circumstances, seek guidance from a someone who is a competent authority on child-rearing. You can't really expect to be able to dial up daddy and tell him to make the kids mind at your house when it's you who tell the boys that they don't have to do what he tells them in the first place! Don't be afraid that if you set boundaries your children will prefer to be at your ex's house, all you'll do by letting your son's have a free for all is make disrespectful men out of them. Some children are quite adept at playing one parent against the other. Don't fall prey to that game. Share your expectations for your children regarding getting up, going to school, homework, chores, curfews, bedtime. Make your expectations clear and reasonable. You didn't want daddy there anymore (except for the child support check), so you'll now have to parent yourself for a change.

The rules for your home may differ from those at your ex's home. That's okay. "That's how your Mom/Dad chooses to do things. Here, we do things differently." If you are comfortable with the rules that you are setting, you increase the chances that your children will be, too. Explain that you are interested in what is good for them, and that you are only giving them consequences because you care about their future.

Strive for balance. On the one hand, you want your children to be responsible and functional. At the same time, you want to encourage your children to continue to enjoy their childhood. If your child seems to be unable to enjoy him or herself, or if you find yourself feeling sorry for your children, speak to a qualified therapist and take them to one also!

Don't be afraid to set boundaries that reflect the values of your home.
Encourage your children to enjoy their childhood.

7. Keep the lines of communication to your children open.

Be there to listen. Don't judge or tell your child how to feel about their father, they don't need you to tell them how to "Feel". Validate how they are feeling now, while pointing out to them that they may not always feel that way. Time has a way of changing things. Let your child know that you are always there for them. Don't ask questions that will require your child to point a finger at your former spouse. Ask your child if he or she would prefer to talk about those difficulties with an impartial adult, such as a therapist or an adult family friend.

Many times as a marriage is unraveling, children develop the belief that if only they could be "good" then their parents would stay married. For those children, the marriage's failure is confirmation that they just weren't "good" enough. Communicate to your child that the divorce was not his or her fault. Even if your child says that they never thought that it was, it will be reassuring to hear that you don't think so.

Communicate that the divorce was not the child's fault.

Your child might be quiet and may not want to share any feelings. Respect that. If you think that it might be related to a lack of emotional vocabulary, help your child develop one. As you read to your child, ask him or her what he thinks the character is feeling at different points in the book. Inject your own thoughts, "Well, if I were Winnie the Pooh, I would be sad that Tigger didn't invite me to his birthday party." Then talk about the choices available to Winnie the Pooh.

Be there to listen to your children's emotions without judgment.
Make sure your child know the divorce was not their fault.

8. Become a Bigger person.

Proactively choose who you want to be after a divorce. Set short term, medium and long term goals for your yourself and for your family. Divorce creates the possibility for a new beginning. Let go of the past, and of blaming, complaining and pretending to be a victim when it was you that left the marriage. It is over. Only today is significant. Decide who you want to be, starting today. What will it take for you to get there?

Get your own therapist so that you are not tempted to have your children fill that role. A good therapist can help you to process what has happened in your marriage and afterwards. They can even get correct medicine prescribed for your mental health. Respect that your loss is different from your child's. Model that it is okay to get help to talk out problems. By dealing with your difficult feelings and getting through them you can become a bigger person from the experience.

Being a bigger person means letting go of competition. The competing game is one where everyone loses. What will be etched in your children's memory for life is not who bought them the most toys, but who had values that they could respect. Care enough about your children to guide them onto the path of success in life. Your children need you – your time, your attention, your understanding and your encouragement. Understand that anything that you do that hurts your child's other parent, will hurt your child. Limit what you are willing to do to acquire their love and allegiance.

Decide who you want to be in your post-divorce reality. Create a map of out how to get there.
Let go of competition. Model becoming a bigger person.

9. Create safety.

Regardless of how often you see your children, make your home a place of safety. Your home should be a place where children are respected, cared for, shown love and acceptance and taught responsibility, manners and self discipline. It does not matter what is going on at your ex's house. In fact, if you feel that there is not enough safety at your ex's house, the safety you create only becomes that much more important.

Be responsible. Be there when you say you are going to be there. Do what you say you are going to do. Apologize when you let your child down. It is better not to commit to something that you will not be able to do, for this erodes trust.

It is the parent's responsibility to make sure that there is food in the house. A child who doesn't have healthy food to eat cannot concentrate in school. Parents have the job of creating a structure for cleanliness and order in the home. If a child that can't find their shoes in the mess, he will have a hard time getting to school on time OR AT ALL. A child with no bedtime routine will struggle through the next day's activities in a fog.

Safety means showing your child respect, love and acceptance. Say what you will do, and do what you say.
A safe home means providing food, shelter, order and structure for your child.

10. Teach resilience.

Resilience is one of the most valuable gifts a parent can give a child. Show your child that even when things get hard you and your children can get through the difficulties without falling apart. Teach your child that everything happens for a reason. There is a silver lining to every cloud. Develop your and their ability to access the good in everything that happens. Believe that this divorce experience you choose for them and you, is an opportunity for growth. Show through your example how to use a tough time as a stepping stool, rather than an obstacle. Model patience, flexibility and acceptance for your children. Encourage them to take little steps towards growth.

Help children to build resilience by staying connected to their FATHER, extended family and friends. Encourage your children to do things that help them feel accomplished. Encourage them to look for and develop their own strengths. Use hopeful language, talk about meaning. When you believe that you can do something, you can. When you believe that you can't, you won't. Speak the language of positivity. Your constant negativity will destroy your son. Your belief in a brighter future can help you and your children to really have one. You wanted to be in CONTROL now accept the responsibility and work that goes with it without complaining about it now that it's all yours.

Help your child develop resilience skills to take with them through life.
Look for meaning. Speak the language of hope and possibility.
Have them call and visit their father regularly.

Maybe the mother needs a new Nanny to blame?

2011-12-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

Parents with lazy, dysfunctional, disobedient and disrespectful kids blame it on the teachers who "just doesn't like boys" way to go mom. You can't blame the teachers when YOU don't send him to school!

Psychopath, Sociopath, Borderline Personality Disorder Mother and Ex Wife

2011-11-30T13:41:00.000-08:00

Tips on what to look for before your Divorce, Parental Alienation often follows

2011-11-28T16:38:00.000-08:00

What is the Malicious Mother Syndrome?

2011-11-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

The Obsessed Alienator with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

2011-11-24T16:48:00.000-08:00

The Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody portrays the "Obsessed Alienator" a Borderline and Narcissistic Personality most eloquently as "Miss Piggy"...you gotta love her;-) However, I don't believe Miss Piggy is a Psycopath like Jodi is. Miss Piggy is just very self possessed.

Batman and Parental Alienation

2011-11-23T07:59:00.000-08:00

BEWARE the Reptilian stare of Psychopaths (photo examples)

2011-11-22T18:08:00.000-08:00

These are examples of the Reptilian stare given by possible Reptilian/Psychopaths. It is not a normal stare. It is a hypnotic vampire like stare. The photo of Elvis is by far the best example of a reptilian stare I have com across. They are very manipulative and what they want is to control your life like a bug in a jar, while at the same time pretending to care for you. Ignore the fact they they may appear good looking or innocent. It is a tool they use well for power and control and to gain your trust.

Most people do miss the whole point of what is be told. The stare is not just a simple tired stare. It is a deep bone chilling glare like you would see in Vampire movies. They never turn their eyes away no matter what you do. The more you react, the deeper the stare. No matter what you do they will not look away. Then they try to physically be near you, say sit right next to you on a bus, or stand right next to you while shopping. Even when not in the zone, they still at times seem a little spooky as seen in these pictures.

These are examples of the stare but the persons shown may or nay be not of reptilian orgin.

How the Psychopath Mother gets away with it

2011-11-21T14:35:00.000-08:00

A video explaining Confabulation:

CAUTION! Second Hand Wives, this is what you might Marry Into if your not real careful

2011-11-20T08:59:00.000-08:00

Protecting Children From The Tragedy of Ugly Custody Battles

2011-11-19T05:23:00.000-08:00

You once loved your partner and had children with her or him. But now things are not working, and for whatever reason one or both of you have decided to separate from the relationship. But where does that leave the children?

Children love both of their parents and identify with each of them. Parents are typically the most important people in a child’s life. Parents teach us how to deal with conflicts, how to deal with stress, and how to treat the ones we love.

With the exception of extremely abusive parents, children always look up to, love and/or want a relationship with their parents (when they don't you should look for Parental Alienation NOT Abuse!).Each parent is important to the growing and developing child.

Some parents are able to separate with respect and honor. Other parents may be resentful or angry with their past partner, but they are still able to understand, respect and support the child’s ongoing relationship with their ex.

However, there are a few parents who separate on bitter and resentful terms and are unable to separate their pain, anger, and relationship with their ex from their child’s relationship with their ex. They think that if they need to leave the relationship, so does the child.
Either consciously or unconsciously, the parents start to project their own feelings and experiences into their child’s feelings and relationship with the other parent. And then the ugly custody battle may ensue.

Ugly custody battles are extremely harmful to children. The children become confused and torn. They lose part of their trusting relationship with each parent and they lose part of themselves.

It is critical for your child’s emotional growth and development that their relationship with their other parent is honored and respected.

It is important to differentiate your own issues with your ex from your child’s relationship with your ex.

Don’t discuss your frustrations and feelings about your ex with your child. Every child identifies with each of their parents. Half of your child’s identity is with their other parent.

When you make negative statements about your ex, your child will either consciously or unconsciously translate that into a negative statement about themselves.

Very few of us are perfect parents, and some of us struggle more than others. It’s important to remember that many of us have had trials and tribulations with our own parents. Many of us are still trying to work through those issues. And that’s OK. But very few of us actually think we would have been better off if we didn’t have contact with one parent or the other, regardless of the strained nature of our relationships.

Of course there are exceptions. Some children do need to be protected from abuse or extreme neglect.

If you suspect your child may be experiencing abuse, then make sure you are providing a safe place for your child to talk about what they are thinking and experiencing, and make sure your child knows that you will provide a reasonable and rational response to whatever they tell you (children know this through experience, so make sure to set the precedent early).

It’s important that if a child does disclose abuse, that they be protected. Child abuse can be reported in Yakima County by calling Child Welfare Services at 800-446-1114.

However, even when there are issues of abuse or neglect, it is important to keep in mind that children need, love and often idealize even their abusive parents.

It is important to provide counseling services to help the child understand and work through their feelings and develop resiliency.

Moreover, the abusive parent may need professional help to develop an understanding of their child, learn to control their responses, and begin to develop the trust and consistency that is important in their relationship with their child.

Children experiencing parental separation will do better when they know that their parents will still be their parents and will continue to be active and involved in their lives even though they are no longer together.

Long custody disputes and pressure on a child to choose a side can be really harmful and traumatic for the child.

Children who are being caught in the middle of a custody battle will often experience low self esteem, difficulty concentrating, depression, anxiety, social conflicts, significant behavior problems, temper tantrums, self injury, and/or drug and alcohol use.

We know that children do better when their parents can set aside their differences, work together, and support each other on behalf of the child. So remember that your children should come first and deserve their parents to be the best they can be.

If you’re having a hard time separating from or co-parenting with your ex and those problems are affecting your children, please consider seeing a therapist in our community to work on your feelings and address these issues.

The North Coast Association of Mental Health Providers has a fairly comprehensive list of local therapists.

Visit its website at ncamhp.org to search for a therapist that will be a good fit for you.

If you have any questions of dilemmas in your own life, feel free to send them in and I’ll try to share my thoughts about them too.

Bonnie Carroll

Parental Alienation Day 2011

2011-11-18T20:59:00.000-08:00

The entire world is starting to take notice of the PA movement. It is a very real form of Child Abuse and we should all take the time to do everything we can to help get the information about this epidemic affecting children all over the world. Join together with the Parents, Grandparents, extended families and those who have survived PA are now adults and are telling their story. Active groups are growing worldwide contact PAAO for more information.. spread the word.. for the kids!

15 Things Step-Moms should tell the Psycho Ex Wife

2011-11-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

1. There’s no need to ignore me and treat me with such utter disrespect, I’m not going anywhere no matter how hard you try.

I don’t need to be friends with you, but we are all adults. I still get along with my ex-husband just fine. He’s even invited to family events like the Superbowl party we had here. He and his female guests always treat me and your ex with respect. He puts our kids first. He doesn’t make your ex feel like they are in some kind of a competition to win our kids’ love. If you would do the same, I guarantee this relationship will go a lot easier, faster, and much, much better for the children.

(Aren’t they really what is most important here and not you and your psycho insecurities?)

2. I can discuss my children, their accomplishments and how great they are anytime I feel like it.

I know you think your kids are great, but that doesn’t mean I can’t discuss my children and their accomplishments any time I feel like it in my own home. If this makes you feel inferior about your children, I highly suggest therapy. My children went to school and kept good enough grades to compete in sports. As a single parent I saw to it!

3. Please teach your kids to knock and to stop going thru my personal things.

If Little Johnny saw something on my phone or me in my undies, it’s not because I was “prancing around flaunting everything” in the living room. Chances are he decided to sneak into our bedroom. This is likely because you’re still “co-sleeping” with him. He’s 14-years old, not 3. Such emotional incest is going to ruin all of his future relationships and it’s extremely creepy. You might want to find another warm body to sleep with at the local bar. Again I highly suggest therapy.

4. Your financial failures are not my emergencies.

We pay child support to you, we also paid for 100% of the children’s expenses while they were in our home, without help from you, remember, you the bio mom told us you weren’t paying us a dime even though we had 100% child custody. Don’t call us to pay for something because you’ve mismanaged your money by shopping too much and neglecting things like your mortgage and car payment. You should think about that the next time you’re at the mall buying for goodies for yourself. We didn’t lose the children’s family home like you lost yours, nor did we lose brand new vehicles, jobs and go bankrupt from gambling and partying like you did.

5. You can have mother’s day, but don’t cancel your visits at the last minute.

I have no problem with you wanting to spend Mother’s Day with your children, but please remember two things. First, Fathers Day is reserved for my husband. He is, after all, their Father remember? Second, if you suddenly have something better to do on Mother’s Day, don’t think you can just drop the kids in my lap to take care of so you can go to the beach with your latest boyfriend.

6. Stop acting like the poor pitiful victim.

Your ex didn’t leave you for me, you left him. It’s time to stop telling the boys stories about how awful and abusive he was and how much happier you are now, all while blaming me/us for everything that is wrong in your life. You can’t have it both ways! You wanted us both out of your son’s lives now you parent them.

7. Stop reminding your ex of all the times you made love when you want something and how your entire marriage was all just about the sex.

It’s amusing to read your e-mails where you say how happy you are to have finally gotten divorced, that it was the best thing for the children and then see you sending emails reminding your ex how your marriage was all about the sex when you want something from us. Believe it or not, he’s moved on, he is NOT still in love with you, and he’s not coming back, whether I’m still in the picture or not.

8. Please don’t spoil the kids.

Buying the kids everything they ask for so you can tell them how cheap we are only does a disservice to the children. We didn’t “send to school in rags” like you continue to tell them. They have come to expect everything they ask for now, which only causes you financial problems, and YOU have now created children with no concept of what it takes to actually earn things. Don’t forget, most of those gifts are paid for with your child support that comes from our home and our hard work. You get paid well, don’t you remember all those nearly $2000.00 per month checks? He no longer has a job and is sick with CANCER. What we send isn’t really child support, it’s free money for you to do with what you please isn’t it, that’s what the boys tell us, that “the money isn’t theirs it’s for mom”. Maybe you should try keeping a job and actually start contributing more financially to your own child’s upbringing, didn’t you tell the boys maybe daddy needs to get a second job so we could send you even more child support when you had them for 2 weeks a month? Maybe you need to take your own advice. Better yet, actually start parenting and send your kid to school! Do you even know how many times he’s skipped school already this year? Do you even know how many time’s he’s been in serious trouble? Do you know where he is on the weekends? He's only 15.

9. Invitations to family events.

While I wish we could all celebrate events together, the fact is you are not part of our family and when you treat us both with such disrespect including screaming and swearing at us in front of the children, speaking poorly of their father in front of the children, and other such uncooperative parental alienation endeavors, you will not be invited to attend any of our family events.

10. Don’t badmouth me and then expect respect.

Speaking poorly about me to the children and then expecting me to treat you with respect is simply not going to happen. I don’t make fun of you to your children. Neither does anyone else in our household. The Golden Rule still stands here – treat others the way you would like to be treated. If you treat me poorly, don’t expect the red carpet treatment from me.

11. Don’t tell kids my rules don’t count.

If you are upset about some punishment that was handed down in our home, telling your child that the rule is stupid, or worse – allowing them to then do whatever we said they couldn’t so you can be the good parent – not only undermines our authority, it pits the child against both of us. Don’t be surprised when they start doing the very same thing when they are mad at you in the future if you do this. Do you see what kind of unruly and disrespectful monsters you created by doing this very thing? I remember watching your 11 year old tell his father to go and sit down because it “wasn’t his week” to tell them what to do at a football game. I A football game where the deputy you called over told his father “If that’s your kid you have every right to spank him if you want”!! My children were certainly taught better manners and respect for their parents and teachers or anyone else that was an adult for that matter! Shameful, it really is....

12. My house my rules.

While it’s great to be on the same page as far as consequences, I set the rules in my house. Every child that spends time under my roof will follow my rules whether it’s my children, your child or a friend’s child. It’s important we teach our children to respect the rules of the homes they visit, my home is no different. Why is yours? I am so disappointed with your lack of parenting and for what it has done to the step-children I cared so deeply about. You have forever changed them and cheated them out of their childhood. (Just read the Gangbanger's comments if you don't know what I'm talking about)

13. We can’t save all the fun for you.

While it’s nice to do new things with your child, we can’t save all the fun for you. Your child will experience new things and cross new milestones with us. If there is something important you want to do with your child, then do it! Nobodys stopping you and I am not a mind reader, I don’t know if you want to be the one to give your daughter her first pedicure and I’m certainly not going to call you every time I want to do something with the family. It’s unreasonable for you to expect that. Remember, the experiences are for your child first and foremost, it’s really not all about you sweetheart.

14. I’m not trying to be their mother.

While I play the mom role in my own home, I’m not trying to replace you, even if your child prefers to refer to me with the term “Mom.” I have my own children that I adore. I didn’t form a relationship with your ex-husband to steal your children from you. If I had wanted more children, I was perfectly capable of becoming pregnant. Frankly, you started out alienating the boys against me from the very beginning. You conveniently told my little step-sons that I didn't more children to raise! So why did you think I was trying to “steal yours”? You told the boys I didn’t want them. Sick, sick, sick.....

15. I’m actually happy to love and care for your child.

As a stepmother I loved and took care of your children as if they are my own. When they are in my home, I will do all the normal things a mother would do for them; like cook them healthy meals, teach them how to cook, ride a horse, take them to their sporting activities, teach them to ski, take them hunting, fishing on vacations and so much more. This is normal and your child should not have been punished for enjoying time with me. It doesn’t mean they love you less. Really, it doesn’t. Not everything is about you because they “came from your body” – no matter how much you’ve been training your own children like a circus monkey to believe so.

List by JW, a former step-mother

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We have just enough religion to make us hate but not enough religion to make us love one another"

~Jonathan Swift

Great Government Parenting tips to Live by

2011-11-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.

-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

-- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Eight Tips For Dealing With The Psycho Ex Wife

2011-11-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

Step parenting is not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination. By marrying a man with children from a previous marriage, you assume the responsibility for being a part of those children's lives and caretaking, this usually comes usually with a bias (even if it's small) against you, the Stepparent. You have to learn to live with and discipline children that aren't yours, children that may not give you the time of day, much less validate your discipline attempts. Children with psychological issues are an entirely different subject and are usually influenced by a mentally ill parent!

And if that wasn't difficult enough, then there's the Ex, regardless of if she's crazy or Psycho, one way or another, this woman usually causes stress in your life, even if she's not a Bitter Ex. The Ex will never go away as long as you are married to your husband and they have children still at home to raise, so you're going to be dealing with this woman for a very long time.

The Bitter PSYCHO Ex Wife is a whole other ball game and I pray for you if you’re dealing with a bitter, crazy , psycho ex wife. The Bitter Psycho Ex wife is a woman who is vindictive, hostile, irate, often irrational (sometimes she is so blinded by her hatred for you and her own children s father that the psycho ex wife becomes a detriment to her own children), and she can be violent. She is often so blinded by her own anger that this woman will go to any length to make your lives a living hell. More often than not this stems from her uncontrollable jealousy...either jealousy over you because she still loves him, or she is missing her old life where the family was a "solid unit", your living in the family house, she's lost her jobs, houses, cars, money and boyfriends etc...the reasons are numerous.

So not only do you, the Stepparent, have to live and deal with kids that aren't yours, you now must find a way to deal with The Bitter Psycho Ex Wife. From experience, I offer the following advice that may help:

1. Above all, NEVER lose your temper. The PSYCHO - Ex Wife will go out of her way to try to irritate you, and getting you to lose your composure is her goal. Bite that tongue and save those come-backs for your husband behind closed doors. Always keeping face will not only irritate her more (which is excellent "revenge" in itself, if you feel the need for it), but will give her no reason whatsoever to badmouth you in the future, trust me the people in the community know what and who she is anyway. And the children will see that she's the one who is irrational, badmouths you etc. and will eventually call her out on it, maybe not until they are grown and out of the house, but they eventually will see what she really is and what she's done. They will recognize what their own mother did to force the loss of extended family and maybe even the ultimate loss of their own father.

2. Always attempt to create a harmonious relationship between everyone. Try to be that peacekeeper. No, you don't have to be her friend, but by being civil and keeping the door open for communication can do wonders for helping the kids, which should be everyone's main concern...even if she is so blinded by hatred and jealousy that it doesn't seem to be her agenda at the moment or ever.

3. If his Ex is really teetering on the edge of being a Psycho Ex, it would be in your best interest to protect yourself by documenting everything! You never know if you may need documentation later for restraining orders. Keep all letters, emails and voicemails from her that may prove her unstable state of mind later down the road, and one day even the children may be mature enough to re-visit the facts.

4. Try to detach from the Ex situation and let your Husband deal with her. After all, she's really not YOUR problem, it's his. Detachment may save your sanity.

5. Never badmouth or say anything negative about the Ex in front of the children. This will only alienate the kids from you as they feel an innate need to defend their mother, even if she IS psychotic.

6. Find a support group for stepparents, whether it's online or in your community. There are lots of online resources for stepparents & the unique issues involved.

7. Try not to take things personally, even if it's an attack intentionally aimed at you. His Ex is bitter for a reason, if she's so vindictive that she has harmed and alienated her own children that is something that SHE has to work out for herself. Her attacks at you stem from some miserable insecurity within herself, if she was the one that left the marriage bed she is probably filled with remorse or regret every time she see's you and your husband out having a great time and in love. Remind yourself of this, and don't take it personally just because she has a mental condition. Pray for her and let it roll off your back because if she's psycho hopefully she'll eventually be ordered into a psychiatric evaluation if she's harming her own children.

8. Relax! And hang in there. It really is worth it in the end, those kids will grow up and leave and so will their mom.
(for those of you that think the last tip was too blunt, then you are fortunate indeed and I don't know why your reading this blog, all too often the bio-mom is practicing her parental alienation tactics with more than willing children who turn into nothing but spies and reporters of grand stories of abuse and neglect to obtain their sick mothers favored attention)

Occupy Wall Street... Who Parented these people???

2011-11-01T04:34:00.000-07:00

Call it an occupational hazard, but I can't look at the Occupy Wall Street protesters without thinking, "Who parented these people?"
As a culture columnist, I've commented on the social and political ramifications of the "movement" -- now known as "OWS" -- whose fairyland agenda can be summarized by one of their placards: "Everything for everybody."
Thanks to their pipe-dream platform, it's clear there are people with serious designs on "transformational" change in America who are using the protesters like bedsprings in a brothel.
Yet it's not my role as a commentator that prompts my parenting question, but rather the fact that I'm the mother of four teens and young adults. There are some crucial life lessons that the protesters' moms clearly have not passed along.

Here, then, are five things the OWS protesters' mothers should have taught their children but obviously didn't, so I will:

• Life isn't fair. The concept of justice - that everyone should be treated fairly - is a worthy and worthwhile moral imperative on which our nation was founded. But justice and economic equality are not the same. Or, as Mick Jagger said, "You can't always get what you want."
No matter how you try to "level the playing field," some people have better luck, skills, talents or connections that land them in better places. Some seem to have all the advantages in life but squander them, others play the modest hand they're dealt and make up the difference in hard work and perseverance, and some find jobs on Wall Street and eventually buy houses in the Hamptons. Is it fair? Stupid question.

• Nothing is "free." Protesting with signs that seek "free" college degrees and "free" health care make you look like idiots, because colleges and hospitals don't operate on rainbows and sunshine. There is no magic money machine to tap for your meandering educational careers and "slow paths" to adulthood, and the 53 percent of taxpaying Americans owe you neither a degree nor an annual physical.
While I'm pointing out this obvious fact, here are a few other things that are not free: overtime for police officers and municipal workers, trash hauling, repairs to fixtures and property, condoms, Band-Aids and the food that inexplicably appears on the tables in your makeshift protest kitchens. Real people with real dollars are underwriting your civic temper tantrum.

• Your word is your bond. When you demonstrate to eliminate student loan debt, you are advocating precisely the lack of integrity you decry in others. Loans are made based on solemn promises to repay them. No one forces you to borrow money; you are free to choose educational pursuits that don't require loans, or to seek technical or vocational training that allows you to support yourself and your ongoing educational goals. Also, for the record, being a college student is not a state of victimization. It's a privilege that billions of young people around the globe would die for --- literally.

• A protest is not a party. On Saturday in New York, while making a mad dash from my cab to the door of my hotel to avoid you, I saw what isn't evident in the newsreel footage of your demonstrations: Most of you are doing this only for attention and fun. Serious people in a sober pursuit of social and political change don't dance jigs down Sixth Avenue like attendees of a Renaissance festival. You look foolish, you smell gross, you are clearly high and you don't seem to realize that all around you are people who deem you irrelevant.

• There are reasons you haven't found jobs. The truth? Your tattooed necks, gauged ears, facial piercings and dirty dreadlocks are off-putting. Nonconformity for the sake of nonconformity isn't a virtue. Occupy reality: Only 4 percent of college graduates are out of work. If you are among that 4 percent, find a mirror and face the problem. It's not them. It's you.

Some belated parental advice to protesters

By Marybeth Hicks

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.." -- Winston Churchill

9 Tips for Parents to strengthen their role in Bullying Prevention

2011-10-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

Parents are critical to helping kids learn to treat others with respect

"The Assaults and Threats, the cursing, the lying, the constant fighting, stealing and spying that went on behind my back - I got this sick feeling in my stomach whenever I heard them, and I carried that feeling around with me like a weight. I woke up scared about the coming day and went to sleep dreading tomorrow.
" I hated my life and what I had married into.
If you think it's just "boys being boys", then you my friends are sadly mistaken. Bullying being allowed in the family home is never acceptable. When older siblings are allowed to bully the younger ones in their own home it leads to a very destructive path. The younger siblings are not safe even in their own homes and worse yet, their parents have failed to protect them. For a parent to fail to protect their own children in their own homes from being constantly tormented, picked on and bullied leads to a plethora of psychological problems. In time the bully will take his persona to school and problems will surely arise. Without parental intervention the school principal and teachers become the only authority figure in these bullies lives.
According to a study a couple of years ago, among children and youth aged 17 and younger, about one in five reported being physically bullied, and about three in 10 reported being teased or emotionally bullied in their lifetime. Among children aged 10 to 17, about 8 percent report having been the victim of Internet harassment. And that's only the reported incidents.
The good news is that bullying - physical or verbal aggressive behavior that is intentional and involves an imbalance of power - can be prevented. Parents play a huge role in helping their kids learn to treat others with respect and empathy. Sadly if parents shuck their roles their children will surely suffer.
Here are a few tips for the parents who still love their children enough to parent them:
Help your child empathize with others by asking them to think about how someone else might feel about being bullied. It also may help to encourage them to do kind things for others, including those they don't know well. (mow the elderly neighbors lawn for free)
Emphasize that everyone is unique and has different strengths, and that's one of the things that makes life interesting.
Talk with your child about the fact that bullying is wrong and hurts other people.
Make clear your family's rules about bullying and that any form is unacceptable. For parents to allow older siblings to torment their younger brothers / sisters to tears each day is unconscionable! To allow it to grow to the extent of siblings making Death Threats is beyond criminal. Establish consequences (you will actually have to parent) and follow through with them if rules are broken. Remember that rules and consequences should not be too lax or too harsh.
Spend time with your child, and get to know their friends. (are they smoking pot in their bedrooms, are they watching PORN?)
Monitor your child's behavior, including use of technology (i.e.internet porn). Compared to when we were kids, young people today have more ways to communicate with peers. Establish rules about appropriate behavior and language if and when your child texts or communicates with peers on the computer. (yes once again, it means you'll have to get up and be a real mom or dad)
Encourage positive activities and goals and praise accomplishments. (sports)
Catch your child doing something positive in their relationships. Watch for and praise positive interactions and when they compromise.
Make sure children get any and all professional help they need if they are having a difficult time in school or in other ares of their life, including with aggressive behavior or a lack of self-control. (once again you'll have to parent and not blame the mean o'l teachers who "just don't like boys", or "why is it always my kids fault"). If your school or significant other has suggested maybe your little Johnny needs counseling, then for your little darling's sake by all means you had better take heed!
Lastly, talk with your child about whom bullying hurts. It certainly harms the youngster being bullied: it can affect their self-esteem, lead to depression and result in school absences. But underscore that bullying hurts everyone. Bullies are affected by being called into the principal's office, today schools take this very serious and it goes on your child's permanent school transcripts. The behavior can harm their reputation among teachers, coaches and their grades can suffer, and sometimes they are suspended and even expelled from school! Emphasize, too, that bullying can affect youngsters who witness the behaviour and do not know how to react to or process it.
Good luck!
Step-Mom's do not tolerate being bullied in your own home. Do not allow it.
If your second hand husband does nothing to stop it then I'm sure you married into a much more dysfunctional familiy that you ever, ever imagined possible. You don't have a husband and probably never will.

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

2011-10-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

Book Review

This wonderfully readable book is totally devoid of jargon and pedantry. The writing is concise and simple, although the subject is complex and weighty. With picturesque nosology, Dr. Lawson writes about the waif, hermit, queen, and witch mothers. Her unique examination of borderline mothers and how they relate to their children culminates in a discussion of what can be done for both from an interpersonal perspective. Replete with clinical vignettes, this book is entertaining as well as informative. (Giovacchini, Peter L. )

This well-researched and beautifully written book presents in graphic, specific, clinical detail overwhelming evidence to resolve any ambiguity about the relationship of the borderline mother to her children. The many faces of the borderline mother are nicely differentiated and described. Dr. Lawson also provides guidelines on how to manage a relationship with a borderline mother constructively. A helpful read for all therapists who work with borderline patients. (James F. Masterson )

Masked by a smile (often bleached white), behind the pinafore of maternal attachment ( you know what I'm talking about here), lurks a borderline mother. Dr. Lawson offers a compelling portrait of mothers who project massive states of confusion and terror into their children. She presents a variety of mothers, including the make-believe mother, the fairy tale mother, the queen and witch mother, along with specific clinical suggestions for dealing with each type. This spellbinding contribution to the literature provides effective treatment procedures for therapists working within the spectrum of borderline phenomenology. (Joan Lachkar )

Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent. (she only want's what the children want so they will love her and only her) Consequently, the child is programmed for a lifelong struggle against failure. For over twenty years, people have shared their own agonizing stories with me, looking to my journey for a sense of hope. The compassionate understanding and professional assistance in this book are a road map out of failure. (Christina Crawford )

Product Description

The first love in our lives is our mother. Recognizing her face, her voice, the meaning of her moods, and her facial expressions is crucial to survival. Dr. Christine Ann Lawson vividly describes how mothers who suffer from borderline personality disorder produce children who may flounder in life even as adults, futilely struggling to reach the safety of a parental harbor, unable to recognize that their borderline parent lacks a pier, or even a discernible shore.

Four character profiles describe different symptom clusters that include the waif mother (poor pitiful welfare poverty mother), the hermit mother (NEVER open the window blinds!!!!), the queen mother (I am their mother and their ONLY mother), and the witch (B). Children of borderlines are at risk for developing this complex and devastating personality disorder themselves (of course). Dr. Lawson's recommendations for prevention include empathic understanding of the borderline mother and early intervention with her children to ground them in reality and counteract the often dangerous effects of living with a "make-believe" mother. (Tales of abuse are common but not based in reality)

Some readers may recognize their mothers as well as themselves in this book. They will also find specific suggestions for creating healthier relationships. Addressing the adult children of borderlines and the therapists who work with them, Dr. Lawson shows how to care for the waif without rescuing her, to attend to the hermit without feeding her fear, to love the queen without becoming her subject, and to live with the witch without becoming her victim.
A Jason Aronson Book

Researchers discover that kids often start cussing if their role models do

2011-10-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

If teenagers have heroes and role models (mommy dearest) who cuss, they are likely to do so, too.

That was the finding of a group of researchers just released in Pediatrics, the Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

The team set out to investigate whether there was any substance behind centuries of good mothers who have barred their children from playing with that foul-mouthed kid across the street – or blamed their sixth grader’s sudden filthy talk on a profane Little League baseball coach.

Actor Peter Billingsley in the classic movie "Christmas Story" has to wash his mouth out with soap for cussing

The study focused on television programs and video games, finding that swearing on either can lead adolescents to adopt the same foul language — and can manifest other behavior problems, such as belligerancy and inappropriate aggressiveness, according to the study published Monday.

“We didn’t know this before and I was really surprised because we’ve got all these ratings for television, film and video games for profanity,” said study co-author Sarah Coyne, Ph.D., an assistant professor of family life at Brigham Young University. “I think as a society we’ve gotten really lax concerning profanity,” she added. “I think it’s in part because we hear it all over the media.”

She and co-researchers Laura A. Stockdale, Dr. David A. Nelson and Ashley Fraser surveyed more 222 children ages 11 to 15 from a large Midwestern middle school, observes Medical Associate Producer Georgiann Caruso for the Cable News Network:

The students were asked about their favorite shows and games, including how often they watch television and play the games. They were asked how much profanity they thought they were exposed to and about their feelings about profanity. Researchers determined that exposure and their stance on profanity were significantly related.
Coyne said the statistics point to a “trickle-down effect.”
“So maybe you watch television, play video games with a lot of profanity and kind of you get more used to it,” she said. “You get more desensitized to it, you become more accepting of it, then you kind of start using it in your own life and then kind of show the lack of respect for people.”
“I think that parents should be a little bit more aware of what’s out there in the programs our kids are watching, and the video games they’re playing. They could be a little more vigilant in terms of profanity exposure.

“To our knowledge, this is the first study to examine relationships between exposure to profanity in media and attitudes and behavior regarding profanity among adolescents,” says the report itself”

Specifically, we found that self-reported exposure to profanity on television and in video games was related to more-supportive attitudes regarding profanity use. It seems that, as adolescents are exposed to profanity in their favorite media, they internalize and solidify mental scripts and schemas in support of profanity use.
In addition, the use of profanity was associated with both physical and relational aggression.
As a whole, the television industry should aspire to be more accurate with ratings concerning profanity. In addition, profanity in television is becoming more frequent, even in “family-friendly” programs. Such a trend is troubling, especially when taken in the context of our results.
Parents and policy-makers should consider the appropriateness and implications of adolescents’ exposure to profanity.

In my case my SSons were raised with a constant barage of vulgar and foul language coming from their own mothers mouth, worse yet it was often directed towards their father and step-mother. Here is just one example when mommy dearest went off in front of 3 of her sons while on the phone to their father:
Prince Charming’s own sons and Mommy Dearest's rage, anger and verbal assaults can only be described as burned permanently into my mind. “Are you asleep or are you Drunk? Do you know where the boys are at? No you don’t because you don’t f*cking care. You don’t know that Dak*ta is sitting on my couch do you? No you don’t you fu*king piece of shit, because you don’t care” “why didn’t you pick them up after practice? Dak*ta called me and said no one was there to pick him up a 5:30, you don’t fu*king care do you!” “I don’t care what your f*cking attorney says, You are just trying to make my life miserable. Are you there? Are you there? Are you talking with J? F*cking sure, ask J what you are supposed to be doing. I’m not keeping the boys from you, they hate your house and don’t want to live there with your fu*king bullshit” “Did you hang up? I never heard anything!” “I’m going to call the police and report the boys as run-a-ways because you don’t know where they are now do you?! Because you don’t f*cking care, Anyway, I’m not keeping the boys from you, they don’t want to go back” “F*ck you and J…can you Fu*kers hear me, are you there!?”
This is the end result of listening to your own mothers language directed towards the Dad and step-mom....
haha i can hack ur youtube account u stupid hooker. This is the mother fuckin Gang Banger and i have gaming buddies who hack very well known accounts all i have to do is just tell them to. So watch wat u post on youtube cuz it will disappear. GB I dont give a fuck if u dont post this. YOU just have to read it thats all. Quit wastin my oxygen bitch u will be judged in the end for ur actions on here and U will pay.Go cry to just a dad again slut tell em its me the Gang banger

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/news/2011/10/stunning-revelation-from-researchers-kids-often-start-cussing-if-their-role-models-do.php#ixzz1boQIfBLr
posted by Rob Kerby, Senior Editor | 10:09am Thursday October 20, 2011

Welcome To Holland

2011-10-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

I am often asked what it's like to be married to a man with Lin*a as an ex wife, well let me tell you, the antics of her and her henchmen dim in comparison to what I went through with my first pregnancy when I was physically abused and beaten so severely that I went into labor with my first child 30 weeks into my pregnancy. During that most difficult time in my life I discovered that life just won't always turn out like we had planned now matter how carefully we thought out our choices and decisions. My marriage has turned out quite interesting, but I have survived. My first pregnancy didn't turn out quite like I had planned and prepared for either but, even today I still survive the pain of that experience also.
When I was still reeling from being 8 - 9 months into the realization that my beautiful little girl would always be "Special", how we would all have to help her deal with being legally blind, from being afflicted with cerebral palsy, multiple brain surgeries and repeated shunts, spinal meningitis, learning disabilities, physical disadvantages and many, many long and lonely hospital stays..... a lovely christian lady came to me and told me the story of "Going to Holland". Well, marrying into a dysfunctional family is very similar.

Welcome To Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Emily Perl Kingsley

"We have just enough religion to make us hate but not enough religion to make us love one another"

~Jonathan Swift

This blog is not about the Psycho Ex Wife

2011-10-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

This blog is not about the Psycho Ex Wife. Never has been, never will be. Despite her self-centered narcissist belief that it is “all about her” – the sad truth for her is that it simply isn’t. The reality is, this blog is about me the Second Hand Wife (as my step-sons laughingly called me), DW, what we have experienced, how we deal with those experiences, and how we might help others going through similar experiences.

Psycho Ex Wife would have no idea who this blog was about if not for recognizing excerpts from the terroristic, vulgar-filled hate mails she and her henchmen regularly sends.

This brings us to the children. How can the children be protected from this blog? The fact is, the children never had to know about this blog. However, they do. And do you know why the children know about this blog? The children are aware of the existence of its existence because PEW, in her infinite thoughtlessness (particularly when it comes to protecting the children from the madness she creates) – told them about it. PEW made the unilateral decision to tell the children about a site that details the horror of the situation that is already horrible enough because they have to live it. I would say something like, “…that’s a decision she’ll have to live with for the rest of her life…” but that would imply that she gives a rip or understands what a terrible choice that was, all in the name of her selfishness and attempts to leverage control over whether or not this site continues to exist, and who the children will “choose” when she forces them to go to court. As I’ve said many times before, PEW will not hesitate to throw the children under the bus if it means she can go on the offensive about some nonsensical bull. She believes the site harms them, and yet she tells them about it so that they are harmed and she has something to bitch about. Sick. Sick. Sick.

PEW won’t take the simplest steps to protect the children from anything, which was exemplified when SS 2, 3 and 4 discovered internet porn. Despite recommendations which included the easiest fixes such as… password protect the computer so that they cannot login when she is not available… block certain sites via the browser tools so that the sites seemingly don’t exist… actually supervising the kids on the PC… and invest in child safety protective software of which there are many good ones available… she’s done NONE of them. Worse – she actually goes out of her way to tell them about it. Just before she leaves them alone with the computers while she goes out on a date!

Even today, she still has taken no steps to ensure that the children are protected from “objectionable websites” – of which second hand wife must certainly be one. Worse, her failure to take the minimum steps necessary combined with the fact that she tells them (with her spin, no doubt) about certain content – is all about them and PEW. The fact that she can’t stop herself from stalking the site (and probably when the boys are in proximity) means that the only person exposing the children to such “horror” – is PEW. She’s not that stupid. She does this with a purpose. Somewhere in that twisted brain of hers, she believes that the children will be convinced that my documentation of our experiences is more of a terrible “crime” than the fact that she actually puts us through everything that has been documented. That’s logical only from a PEW standpoint. Writing about her behaviors is unconscionable. Her actual behaviors… well… nevermind all that. Only in the mind of a PEW….

Another tragic ending to a Psycho Ex Wife story....

2011-10-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

Police believe Texas mom fatally shot son, self

- 10/21/2011 11:18:34 PM

Police say they believe a suburban Dallas mother fatally shot her 7-year-old son and then killed herself as police waited outside with her estranged husband, who was there to pick up the child after receiving court-ordered custody.

Sachse police say the father had been given sole custody of the boy after an acrimonious divorce. Police Chief Dennis Veach told The Dallas Morning News that a "third party" had asked police to be present at the transfer.

Police said officers outside the house around 11 a.m. Friday heard three shots inside. They forcibly entered and found the 43-year-old woman and the boy dead. Police said it appears she shot the child, then herself.

Authorities in Sachse, northeast of Dallas, did not identify those involved. Collin County's medical examiner was conducting autopsies.

Dealing with your Psycho ex Wife the Stalker

2011-10-18T22:01:00.000-07:00

41 Spouse Stalker Stories

When relationships end, most times the parties involved are able to move on. Sometimes this is not the case. There are those that become obsessed with their ex spouses or girlfriend/boyfriend. When this happens, in extreme cases they become stalkers. Stalkers can not let go of a person and think they need to be around them or know where they are all the time. They gain control of a person’s life as that person no longer feels safe. There are laws in place to help with this but sometimes it can be too late. Read the sites below to find help on stalking and to read about others who have experienced this. You are not alone and you can get help. You will also read about the new way of stalking which is cyber stalking. This is when they follow and terrorize you even on your computers. Read below to find out more.

Stories Read here for several stories of people who were stalked by their spouses or boyfriends.
Stalked by Susan Read about one couples story of being stalked by the ex-wife.
Ex Wife Being Stalked Read about one woman’s struggle with being stalked by her ex husband.
One Mom’s Story One mom share’s her story of being stalked.
Ex Wives Some ex wives are getting restraining orders against husbands and then they are stalking them and getting them arrested.
Online Stalkers Learn the signs and how to deal with someone who is stalking you online.
Stories Here are a few stories and tips when being stalked by your ex husband.
Dealing One woman talks about dealing with an ex spouse stalking you.
Ex Husband Stalked Here is an example of an ex husband stalked and put in jail under false pretenses.
Being Stalked One woman’s story of being stalked and losing her life in the proces.
Cyber Stalking Now stalkers are using the computer and internet to get at their prey.
Judge Stalked By Ex A judge is stalked by her ex and this is her story.
Husband Arrested Here is one story of a family claiming their daughter was being stalked and now is missing.
Celebrities Stalking reaches all walks of life. Here is one story of a celebrity in a legal battle with ex over stalking issues.
Amanda Here is Amanda’s story of living with a shadow.
A Few Stories Here are a few stories of people dealing with their violent exes.
Learn the Signs Learn what to watch for and how to deal with it if you feel you are being stalked.
My Crazy Ex Read here about one woman’s fight with her ex husband and what she has had to endure.
Stalking Here one woman share her story of her stalker.
Internet Many stalkers are turning to the internet now to keep a watch and track their victims.
Victim One victim shares their story of stalking.
Book One prosecutor writes a book about cases she has prosecuted. Here are some of the cases she tried.
Take It Too Easy Some take the subject of stalking too easily. Read one woman’s story here.
Tips Here are a few tips on surviving and find other stories here to help you know you are not alone.
Women Stalking Men Here are a few stories of women stalking men. It does happen.
More Stories Look here to find more personal stories of stalking victims.
Stalked There used to not be any laws to protect victims. Read this person’s story of how they survived.
Murdered One woman is murdered after being stalked.
Law Learn the laws and hear one persons story of dealing with a stalker.
Wife and Husband Found A husband and wife were found dead in their apartment after an apparent murder suicide.
Signs Here are a few signs to look for if you are thinking you have a stalker.
My experience One blogger shares their experience.
My Ex Story of one person being stalked by their ex.
Blog Here one blogger tells of their experience with a stalker and shares tips for you.
Being Cyberstalked One story explains about the ex wife stalking the new girlfriend.
My Stalker One blogger shares their story.
Wife and Children Here is an article about a wife and children found murdered after the husband committed suicide.
Xbox Creator Killed The woman who helped develop the xbox was murdered by her husband before he shot himself.
Hide Read one bloggers story of being a victim.
Women Stalker Here are some stories of women who were the stalkers.
Murdered Mother A woman tried to leave the town and get help but was denied and now she has been murdered by her husband.

Image: DanielleHelm

The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children

2011-10-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children

Jayna Solinger

"So many persons think divorce a panacea for every ill, find out, when they try it, that the remedy is worse than the disease" (Qtd in Harper 192). Divorce, in any circumstance, rips a child apart, tossing him/her from one house to another, limiting time spent with his/her parents, and confusing him/her. There are very few reasons that would prove to be more beneficial for the parent to leave than to stay and endure his/her marriage. Usually it is more advantageous to children if their parents work through their differences rather than get a divorce.
By any definition, divorce is a horrible word. There is no way to make the word sound better or make its effects less painful. According to the Webster’s Dictionary, divorce is "the legal dissolution of marriage or the termination of an existing relationship or union" (Webster’s 370). This definition makes the word seem formal and does not accurately display the feeling that sweeps over a person when the word is mentioned. A better definition of the depth of the word comes from Whitney, holding a child’s point of view, "Divorce is like a thousand knives being thrown at one’s heart or a slow, painful ride through Horror Mountain" (Through 1). Her definition more accurately describes the feelings and emotions that go along with the mention of divorce. Most children would agree with Whitney’s summary of divorce. To them, divorce is much more than a legal dissolution; it is their whole world being torn apart and thrown on the ground in pieces.
One of the biggest problems that divorce imposes on children is the decision of whom to live with. Usually parents divorce when children are small and the children have no say in where they go. Since the child cannot choose, this leads to custody battles that end in split custody or joint custody. Whatever the choice may be between the two types of custody, either will prove detrimental to the child.
When split custody is the decision, it forces a child to choose (or the court to choose) one parent to live with, and it limits the quality time the child spends with either parent. When the child only lives with one parent, the ties with the other parent are severely damaged. According to the National Survey of Children, close to half of all children with divorced parents had not seen their nonresidential parent in the past year, and only one in six had weekly contact or better (Whitehead 2). Since the children don’t see both parents often, the parent with whom the child lives is usually thought upon as strict and no fun because that parent is always there and is always responsible for disciplining the child. The nonresidential parent is more often viewed as the fun, exciting one that the child longs to be with. This parent many times showers his/her child with presents, and money is used in an attempt to buy the child’s love. The child, although often spoiled, does not usually feel the deep security of having a close family, since he/she is constantly moving from house to house. Because of the constant movement, the child does not generally receive quality time from either parent, and it makes it more difficult to feel loved.
Joint custody, on the other hand, proves to be even less successful (Zinmeister 29). This type of custody is now allowed in half of the states, although, joint custody is very unusual because of the extreme complications. In California, where divorce is more common than anywhere else, only eighteen percent of divorced couples have joint custody. Even when the divorced parents maintain regular contact with their children, truly cooperative child rearing is rare (Zinmeister 29). Most often, research shows, the estranged parents have no communication or mutual reinforcement; this leads to very unhealthy parent-child relationships. Joint custody is even worse on a child because there is even more movement involved. With split custody, the child goes to the nonresidential parent’s house on a certain schedule. In joint custody, however, the child is constantly moves back and forth between houses, causing an even greater lack of quality time between parent and child.
The custody battle can be damaging, but the divorce of a child’s parents can also thoroughly confuse the child, suggesting that it is better for parents to stay together. The child does not have a concept as to what commitment really means. Since these children see their parents breaking vows without a second thought, they begin to believe that what is right for a parent must be the right thing for them to do as well. Children are shown that they do not have to work out their problems as long as they can run away. This is one reason that so often today when someone makes a promise there is really no certainty of whether it will happen or not. According to The Effects of Divorce on Children, an article written by J. Lynn Rhodes, young adults whose parents have divorced previously are likely to have social problems and trouble forming and maintaining intimate relationships (Effects 1). The value of a person’s word has lessened. This is partly because of the bad examples parents are setting for their children when they get a divorce.
Generally, it is better for children to suffer a bad marriage than to cope with divorce. According to University of Michigan psychologist and divorce expert Neil Kalter, the misery of an unhappy marriage is less significant than the changes after a divorce. The children would rather their parents keep fighting and not get divorced (Marriage 64). Although this does not seem logical, it shows that children want their parents together at all costs. Also, contrary to popular belief, the alternative to most divorces is not life in a war zone (Zinmeister 30). In the vast number of divorces there is no strife or violence that could ruin a person’s childhood; the divorce is usually driven by a quest for "greener grass." These divorces almost always make the child worse off and create a number of unnecessary problems for the child. If parents would concentrate harder on working conflicts out rather than their own personal happiness, the children would be much better off.
Divorce, however, is not always a terrible thing. In a few given situations it proves to be for the best. The two situations that may prove beneficial for a person to get a divorce are abusive relationships and infidelity. When one parent is abusive, whether verbal, physical, or sexual, to the children, it is more beneficial to the child if the parent leaves (Huffman 4). Also, if one spouse is beating the other, the marriage should be ended. If a child watches his/her parent get beaten his entire life, he/she could think that it is fine to act this way or severely resent the parent for staying. Also, when a spouse is committing infidelity, divorce is most certainly an option. When one spouse is confronted with the affairs and still will not quit having them, the Bible gives the option of divorce. In Matthew 19:8-9 it says, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Huffman 9). Even under these grounds, Jesus permitted divorce, but he did not encourage or command divorce.
It generally proves to be more beneficial for a child if his/her parents stay in an imperfect marriage rather than getting a divorce. The various activities that are involved with a divorce severely damage a child. The child lacks a sense of belonging and becomes very confused. Therefore, when a person gets married, he/she needs to think long and hard to make sure that this is the right choice for him/her and for possible children that may come along one day. The person needs to make sure he/she does not settle for the person he/she can live with; he/she needs to wait for the person that he/she cannot live without. As Jesus says in Mark 10:5-9:
It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law. But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder (Huffman 1).

Works Cited

Harper Book of American Quotations, New York, Harper and Row, 1988, p.192.
Huffman, John. "The Raw Reality of Divorce." Http://www.christiandigest.com/divorce.html. (19 November 1998).
Marriage and Divorce, California, Greenhaven Press, Inc., 1997, p.64.
Rhodes, J. Lynn. "The Effects of Divorce on Children." http://www.lrhodes.com/divorce.html. 1997.
"Through the eyes of a child." Http://www.divorceonline.com (20 November 1998).
Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, Massachusetts, Merriam-Webster, Inc., 1984, p.370.
Whitehead, Barbara. "Coming Apart." http://www.divorceonline.com (20 November 1998).
Zinmeister, Karl. "Divorce’s Toll on Children." Current Magazine, April 1997: 29-30.

Family Court Judge speaks on the damaging effects of Divorce on Children

2011-10-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

Not according to the mother of my step-sons who states:

"our divorce was the best thing that ever happened for the kids".

The Damaging Effects of DIVORCE on our Children

2011-10-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D.

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Are children of divorce worse off than children in married two-parent families?

Since there is so much discussion of the effects of divorce on children, I want to begin by addressing whether there are really any differences between children who live in divorced families and children who live in married two-parent families (I will call them "intact."). In 1991 Amato and Keith examined the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children ranging from preschool to young adulthood to determine what the overall results indicated. The overall result of this analysis was that children from divorced families are on "average" somewhat worse off than children who have lived in intact families. These children have more difficulty in school, more behavior problems, more negative self-concepts, more problems with peers, and more trouble getting along with their parents. A more recent update of the findings indicates that this pattern continues in more recent research (Amato, 2001).

Despite this general finding across many studies, there are important qualifications of these findings. First, the actual differences between the two groups are relatively small (Amato, 2001; Amato & Keith, 1991). In fact, the children in the two types of families are more alike than different. Amato (1994) reminds us that average differences do not mean that all children in divorced families are worse off than all children in intact families. These results mean that as a group children from divorced families have more problems than children from intact families.

Another way to examine this issue is illustrated by findings of Mavis Hetherington (1993). Hetherington, like many others, finds these average differences, but she also looked at some of her measures and examined the degree to which children in divorced and intact families had more severe problems. On a measure of behavioral problems, Hetherington (1993) reports that 90% of adolescent boys and girls in intact families were within the normal range on problems and 10% had serious problems that we would generally require some type of professional help. The percentages for divorced families were 74% of the boys and 66% of the girls in the normal range and 26% of the boys and 34% of the girls were in the problematic range. Amato (1999) estimates that about 40% of the young adults from divorced families were doing better than the young people from nondivorced families.

The implications of these findings are two-fold. On the one hand, the majority of children from divorced families do not have serious problems requiring professional help. On the other hand, a larger percentage of children from divorced families than intact families are likely to have serious problems. Another way to say this is that MOST children in divorced families do not need help, but MORE children in this group than in intact families are likely to need help. This is a complicated message and the media often errs on the side of one or the other of these two types of findings. Both findings are important.

What causes the differences between children in divorced versus intact families?

As I said in the beginning, the general question of differences between children in different types of families is less important than what causes these differences. Now let’s look at what we know about what causes these differences. One way to think about this is to consider the risks that may cause difficulties for children. Paul Amato (1993) and Kelly and Emery (2003) indicate that there are several types of risks that may contribute to children's difficulties. These are:

PARENTAL LOSS-- divorce often (and needlessly) results in the loss of contact with one parent and with this loss children also lose the knowledge, skills and resources (emotional, financial, etc.) of that parent. (a sad and unnecessary consequence of women seeking divorce)
ECONOMIC LOSS-- another result of divorce is that children living in single parent families are less likely to have as many economic resources as children living in intact families. (of course they divorced and took their respective paychecks with them)
MORE LIFE STRESS-- divorce often results in many changes in children's living situations such as changing schools, child care, moving from home to home, etc. Children often also have to make adjustments to changes in relationships with friends and extended family members. These changes create a more stressful environment for children. (boyfriends standing in line, second divorces, more failed relationships)
POOR PARENTAL ADJUSTMENT-- generally how children fare in families is due in part to the mental health of the parents, this is likely to be true for children in divorced families as well. (a child of a mentally ill mother who practices parental alienation is going to suffer the most when the stable father is removed from their lives)
LACK OF PARENTAL COMPETENCE-- much of what happens to children in general is related to the skill of parents in helping them develop. The competence of parents following divorce is likely to have considerable influence on how the children are doing. (a mother who cannot hold down a steady job, keep a steady boyfriend, who gambles their money, cars and homes away is not going to be a competent parent! She will not see to it that her son's don't have access to alcohol, drugs and internet porn, she won't even see to it that they go to school of stay in school from suspensions etc)
EXPOSURE TO CONFLICT BETWEEN PARENTS-- conflict is frequently part of families and may be especially common and detrimental in families that have undergone divorce. The degree to which children are exposed to conflict may have substantial effects on children's well-being. (mothers practicing parental alienation in the court room and at home are the most damaging to their children)

What evidence do we have about how each of these factors affects children in divorced families?

Parental loss. Mothers and fathers are important resources for children. They provide emotional support and practical assistance as well as serve as role models for their children. Kelly and Emery (2003) report that on average, nonresidential fathers see their children only 4 times per month following divorce and about 20% of children have no contact with their fathers 2-3 years after divorce.

The amount of contact between the nonresidential father and their children is not the determining factor; it is the quality of the father-child relationship that matters. There is a growing body of evidence that illustrate how nonresidential fathers affect their children. First, when a nonresidential father has frequent contact and there is minimal conflict, children are faring better; however, when there is conflict, frequent visits are related to poorer adjustment of children (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002). In a study that looked at results across a broad range of factors, Amato and Gilbreth (1999) found that when fathers helped with homework, set appropriate limits and expectations and demonstrated warmth, children fared better. In other words, good parenting by noncustodial parents matters. In short, children benefit from continued relationships with nonresidential parents.

Economic losses. Due to limited economic resources, children in single-parent families may have more difficulties. Following divorce, custodial parents (mostly mothers) generally have less income than most two-parent families. There is a common belief that many of the difficulties experienced by children are the result of the economic difficulties experienced in these families. The overall evidence is not as strong in support of this hypothesis as might be expected. Generally, family income is positively associated with children's well-being, but some studies have not found that income improves children's well-being. It is important to note the divorced families economic circumstances do not account completely for the well-being of children. Researchers have statistically controlled for income differences between intact and divorced families and all of the differences between children in these two types of families do NOT disappear. In other words, there are still some other factors affecting children's well-being above and beyond money. One of the ways that lower income may impact children is through disruptions that may result from less money. Many divorced families change residence which may result in changes in schools, child care, friends, and other supportive relationships. In short, less money often leads to more disruptions which may lead to more problems for children.

Life stress. In general, the accumulation of multiple stressors and changes create difficulties for children. There are only a few studies that have explored this hypothesis, but the results seem to support it. Recently, Crowder and Teachman (2004) found that the more often children in single parent families moved the more likely they were to drop out of school or become pregnant during the teen years. In general, the more stressful experiences that children encounter during divorce the more difficulty they will have. There is also evidence that indicates that children whose parents divorce more than once are worse off than children who only experience one parental divorce.

Parental adjustment. The psychological adjustment of parents is a significant factor in children's well-being. There have been many studies examining the relationship between divorced parents' psychological well-being and children's well-being. Of the 15 studies that have examined this relationship 13 found that there was a positive relationship between the mental health of parents and children's mental health (Amato & Keith, 1991). That is, children whose parents are better adjusted fare better than children whose parents are not adjusting well. There is some evidence to suggest than when the divorced parent's adjustment is taken into account that some of the differences between children from intact and divorced children disappears. Despite the general support for these conclusions, there is at least one important caution. The causal relationship between parents' and children's adjustment is not clear. It could be that having better adjusted children improves the well-being of the parents.

Parental competence. The skills that parents have in dealing with children have a profound influence on children's well-being. Overall, the evidence indicates that many parents report diminished parenting practices immediately following divorce which appears to contribute to some of the problems that children experience. Many studies have also examined the relationship between child-rearing skills and children's well-being. There is overwhelming research evidence that indicates that parenting skills and the types of relationships between parent and child are strong influences on how well children are doing.

Conflict between parents. Another risk that causes children's difficulty is conflict between parents prior to, during and after the divorce that contributes to lower well-being. There have been a number of studies examining this issue. Generally, it has been found that children in high conflict families (either intact or divorced) fare worse than children in low conflict families. Some studies have found that children in non-conflictual single parent families are doing better than children in conflictual two-parent families. There is also evidence that children begin to have difficulties prior to divorce and that some of these difficulties are associated with the conflict present prior to divorce. Post-divorce conflict has a strong influence on children's adjustment. (a cursing mother who continues to believe she can control the fathers home, a swearing mother who throws gravel all over while leaving with her sons, a mother who openly calls the father and step-mother F*CKERS) Children in those families that can cooperate and reduce conflict are faring better.

Summary. There are a number of factors that account for why children in divorcing families may have difficulties—loss of contact with a supportive parent, fewer economic resources that lead to multiple changes, more stress, poor parental adjustment, lack of parental competence and conflict between parents. When these risks can be reduced or overcome, then children will fare better.

Why do children and young adults from divorced families still seem to be more distressed than children from intact families?

   Even though this review has shown that children from divorced families are not overwhelming worse off psychologically, anyone who has a conversation with a child or young adult whose parents have divorced will tell you that these young people still seem to experience considerable distress about the breakup of their families and that these feelings linger. Some new work with these children indicates that while children may not be significantly impaired as a result of the divorce, they do carry painful memories. Laumann-Billings and Emery (2000) report that young adults in the early 20s who experienced the divorce of their parents still report pain and distress over their parents’ divorces ten years later. Feelings of loss about the relationship with their fathers was the most common report. (in my case the mother told the judge the fathers home was detrimental to the sons and that visits were pointless) Those young people who reported high conflict between their parents were even more likely to have feelings of loss and regret.

   There is also some evidence that young adults whose parents divorce feel as if they had little control over their lives following divorce including the transitions between households. Less than 20% of children report that both of their parents talked to them about the impending divorce and only 5% say that their parents tried to explain why the divorce was occurring and were given a chance to ask questions (Dunn et al., 2001).   Children report more positive feelings and less painful memories of household transitions when they were given some chance to voice their ideas about visiting or living arrangements (Dunn et al., 2001).

   These continuing painful memories and feelings of helplessness help us to further understand the experience of children following divorce and provides some useful ideas about ways to reduce these painful situations.

Overall Conclusions

The overall results of these studies suggest that while children from divorced families may, on average, experience more major psychological and behavioral problems than children in intact families, there are more similarities than differences. The most important question is not whether children from divorced families are having difficulties, but what particular factors cause these differences. Current evidence suggests that the loss of contact with parents, economic difficulties, stress, parental adjustment and competence, and interparental conflict all contribute at least to some degree to the difficulties of children. Some new findings shift our attention from major problems to milder but important long-term painful memories and feelings of helplessness. These feelings can continue well into young adulthood which reminds us that there are many things we can do to help children. These results provide significant implications to practitioners interested in designing interventions for children and adults in divorcing families.

REFERENCES

Amato, P. R. (1993). Children's adjustment to divorce: Theories, hypotheses, and empirical support. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 55, 23-38.

Amato, P. R. (1999). Children of divorce parents as young adults. In E. M. Hetherington (Ed.), Coping with divorce, single parenting, and remarriage (pp. 147-164). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

Amato, P. R. (2001). Children and divorce in the 1990s: An update of the Amato and Keith (1991) meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 355-370.

Amato, P.R. (1994). Life-span adjustment of children to their parents' divorce. The Future of Children, 4, 143-164. Available from: http://www.futureofchildren.org/information2826/information_show.htm?doc_id=75582

Amato, P. R.., & Gilbreth, J. (1999). Nonresident fathers and children’s well-being: A meta-analysis. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, 557-573.

Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110, 26-46.

Crowder, K., & Teachman, J. (2004). Do residential conditions explain the relationship between living arrangements and adolescent behavior? Journal of Marriage and Family, 66, 721-738.

Dunn, J., Davies, L. C., O’Connor, T. G., & Sturgess, W. (2001). Family lives and friendships: The perspectives of children in step-, single-parent, and nonstep families. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 272-287.

Hetherington, E. M. (1993). An overview of the Virginia Longitudinal Study of Divorce and Remarriage with a focus on the early adolescent. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 39-56.

Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or worse. New York: Norton.

Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resiliency perspectives. Family Relations, 52, 352-362.

Laumann-Billings, L., & Emery, R. E. (2000). Distress among young adults in divorced families. Journal of Family Psychology, 14, 671-687.

Citation for this document: Hughes, R., Jr. (2005). The effects of divorce on children. Urbana, IL: University of Illinois Extension. Permission is granted to copy this document for educational purposes.

6 Signs your child need psychiatric help during or after your divorce

2011-10-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

Parents should consider a psychiatric evaluation for their child when they exhibit strong feelings of being:

alone dealing with the losses
torn between two parents or two households
excluded
isolated by feelings of guilt and anger
unsure about what is right
very uncomfortable with any member of the original family or stepfamily

In addition, if parents observe that the following signs are lasting or persistent, then they should consider a psychiatric evaluation for the child/family:

child vents/directs anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a stepparent or parent
one of the parents suffers from great stress and is unable to help with the child's increased need
a stepparent or parent openly favors one of the children
discipline of a child is only left to the parent rather than involving both the stepparent and parent
frequent crying or withdrawal by the child; or
members of the family derive no enjoyment from usual pleasurable activities (i.e. learning, going to school, working, playing or being with friends and family)

Child and adolescent psychiatrists are trained and skilled at providing comprehensive psychiatric evaluations of both the child and family if serious problems develop.

BREAKING NEWS! Washington Step-Son is a suspect in the Murder of his Step-Mother and Father is missing

2011-10-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Listen up ladies, things really can get this bad, step-sons really can be this dangerous!

Step-mothers have experienced being lied to, spied upon, their personal belongings gone

thru in bedrooms, stolen from, slandered, harrassed, beaten, called names, sworn at, laughed

at, sexually abused and even murdered.

If you are dealing with a vindictive and alienating psycho ex wife who teaches her sons that it is normal

to treat their step-mother poorly, who plays 50 questions with them after every visit then

you can expect them to become just as dysfunctional as their crazy mother.

There have been many deaths to fathers and step-mothers attributed to Parental Alienation

tactics used by psycho ex wives.

In my case without support from their father I was forced to flee the state, do NOT dismiss

your step-childrens behaviour no matter what your prince charming says. In my case all I

got from daddy dearest was "Well, did he"? and "they are just being boys".

Until they turned on him also.

UPDATE: Update: Oregon State Police announced that the body found near Corvallis earlier today has been identified as 19 YEAR old Cody Myers, who has been missing since Saturday. The body was found by a citizen in woods near Marys Peak, which is near Philomath.
David Joseph Pedersen, 31, and Holly Ann Grigsby, 24, were formally named people of interest in Myers' death. They were arrested this afternoon outside Yuba, Calif., — about 40 miles north of Sacramento.AP Photo of Holly Grigsby and David Joseph.Salem, Ore. – Federal, state and local police are hunting for a boyfriend-girlfriend duo suspected in the murder of the male suspect's stepmother as well as the disappearance of his father in Washington state and of a teenager in Oregon days later.Police have not yet said what the motive might be for the crimes in Everett, Wash., or how the Oregon teen got caught up in whatever ordeal is playing out. But they made it clear that the two suspects -- David Joseph Pedersen, 31, and Holly Grigsby, 24 -- are likely armed and dangerous.A surveillance tape shows Grigsby and Pedersen at a Salem, Ore., convenience store, and police say Grigsby tried to use a stolen credit card to buy something. A male was sitting in the car, but it wasn't Cody Myers, the missing 19-year-old, who police say there is no sign of.Police first began looking into Pedersen after his stepmother, Leslie Pedersen, 69, was found dead on Sept. 28 with her hands tied with duct tape and a bloody pillow wrapped around her head. Police said Tuesday they have probable cause to arrest the two suspects on murder charges.Leslie Pedersen's husband, David Jones Pedersen, also is missing, Everett police said.Oregon State Police said David Joseph Pedersen and Grigsby were seen Sunday morning in the Plymouth Breeze that Cody Myers, 19, was driving when he left Saturday from his Willamette Valley home for the Oregon coastal town Newport.Lt. Gregg Hastings wouldn't elaborate on what happened when the two suspects went to a Salem-area convenience store.Earlier Tuesday, Yamhill County authorities said the car was recorded on surveillance video, and a woman in the car tried to use a stolen credit card. None of the officers would say to whom the card belonged.David Joseph Pedersen and Grigsby have extensive criminal records, Pedersen as experience in mixed martial arts, and both should be considered armed and dangerous, Hastings said.Pedersen's convictions date to 1997, when he was 16 and convicted of robbery, public records show. He spent nearly six years in prison and was released in January 2003.Less than a month later, he was arrested on charges that included assaulting a police officer in Eastern Oregon's Umatilla County. He was convicted on one count and spent seven years in prison. He was released May 24.Grigsby spent time in prison for a variety of minor charges beginning in 2006, including identity theft and unauthorized use of a vehicle. After completing probation, she was again sentenced in 2008 on identity theft charges. She served two years.Family members said Myers' cellphone quit receiving calls Saturday, and they notified authorities Sunday."We still hold out hope that we're going to find Cody, that a miracle has happened, and we're going to find him alive and well," said his brother-in-law, Mike Klein, at a news conference with Oregon authorities.Hastings said a car that matched a description of Myers' Plymouth Breeze was reported moving erratically on Interstate 5 south of Salem early Sunday. Officers from multiple agencies responded to the report but did not find the car.Neighbors at the Mobile Country Club mobile home park in Everett said the Pedersens had only lived there a few weeks before Leslie Pedersen was killed, and they had been working hard to fix up their property."I was very happy they moved in, because I thought I was really getting some very nice neighbors," said Nora Winchell, who said she had one brief conversation with the Pedersens when they moved in.

alienated children, Children of Borderline Personality Disorders, children of divorce, children of PEW, dangerous kids, dangerous stepsons, defiant children, disrespectful sons, extreme parental alienation, kids who threaten to kill their parents, psycho ex wife, spying stepsons

18 Shocking Statistics About Children and Divorce

2011-10-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

I’ve compiled these statistics about children and divorce for the “I’ll believe it when I see it” type of people who don’t accept anything as true unless it’s from a credible source (which is not you) or it’s been PROVEN in a convincing study (or they saw it with their own eyes). If you are NOT one of these people, you need to read this anyway.
These days most people accept divorce as a way of life, completely unaware of the damage they are doing to their children. Tell your friends, acquaintances and co-workers to read these shocking statistics about divorce and children. It may help save a child’s life down the road. (And no, I’m not figuratively speaking either….just keep reading to find out what I mean.)

Statistics about Children and Divorce

1. Half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent’s marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.” (Furstenberg, Peterson, Nord, and Zill, “Life Course”)
2. Among the millions of children who have seen their parents divorce, one of every 10 will also live throughthree or more parental marriage breakups. (The Abolition of Marriage, Gallagher)
3. Forty percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers. (Wade, Horn and Busy, “Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform” Hudson Institute Executive Briefing, 1997)
4. Of all children born to married parents this year, fifty percent will experience the divorce of their parents before they reach their 18th birthday. (Fagan, Fitzgerald, Rector, “The Effects of Divorce On America)

The EMOTIONALLY Damaging Statistics about children and divorce

5. Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage –Harvard University Press 1981)
6. Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill “Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)
7. Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment” Sage Publications, 1988)
These statistics about children and divorce are pretty shocking, aren’t they?
The DEATH of a parent is LESS devastating to a child than a DIVORCE.(Even I wouldn’t believe this if I didn’t see the statistic myself.)
The PHYSICALLY Damaging Statistics About Children and Divorce
8. Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being” National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)
9. Following divorce, children are fifty percent more likely to develop health problems than two parent families. (Angel, Worobey, “Single Motherhood and Children’s Health”)
10. Children living with both biological parents are 20 to 35 percent more physically healthy than children from broken homes. (Dawson, “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-being” Journal of Marriage and the Family)
11. Most victims of child molestation come from single-parent households or are the children of drug ring members. (Los Angles Times 16 September 1985 The Garbage Generation)
12. A Child in a female-headed home is 10 times more likely to be beatenor murdered. (The Legal Beagle, July 1984, from “The Garbage Generation”)
This is what I mean when I said “these statistics on divorce and children could save a child’s life someday.” Did you read #12? A child raised by his/her mother is 10 times more likely to be beaten or murdered.

The Long Term Effects and Statistics About Children and Divorce

13. A study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be “lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure. (Wallerstein “The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1991)
14. Seventy percent of long-term prison inmates grew up in broken homes. (Horn, Bush, “Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform)
Problems Relating to Peers
15. Children of divorce are four times more likely to report problems with peers and friends than children whose parents have kept their marriages intact. (Tysse, Burnett, “Moral Dilemmas of Early Adolescents of Divorced and Intact Families. Journal of Early Adolescence 1993)
16. Children of divorce, particularly boys, tend to be more aggressive toward others than those children whose parents did not divorce. (Emery, “Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment, 1988)

Suicide Statistics About Children and Divorce

17. People who come from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide than those who do not come from broken homes. (Velez-Cohen, “Suicidal Behavior and Ideation in a Community Sample of Children” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1988)

High School Drop Out Statistics About Children and Divorce

18. Children of divorced parents are roughly two times more likely to drop out of high school than their peers who benefit from living with parents who did not divorce. (McLanahan, Sandefur, “Growing Up With a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps” Harvard University Press 1994)
I can’t stress how important it is to know all the facts before you get a divorce. Your child’s life is in your hands. If you’re seriously considering divorce and you haven’t attempted to save your marriage , I’ve just given you 18 reasons why it’s at least worth a try to keep your family together.

Parents should consider a psychiatric evaluation for their child when they exhibit strong feelings of being:

torn between two parents or two households
excluded
isolated by feelings of guilt and anger
unsure about what is right
very uncomfortable with any member of the original family or stepfamily

In addition, if parents observe that the following signs are lasting or persistent, then they should consider a psychiatric evaluation for the child/family:

child vents/directs anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a stepparent or parent
one of the parents suffers from great stress and is unable to help with the child's increased need
a stepparent or parent openly favors one of the children
discipline of a child is only left to the parent rather than involving both the stepparent and parent
frequent crying or withdrawal by the child; or
members of the family derive no enjoyment from usual pleasurable activities (i.e. learning, going to school, working, playing or being with friends and family)

Child and adolescent psychiatrists are trained and skilled at providing comprehensive psychiatric evaluations of both the child and family if serious problems develop.

YOUNGER CHILDREN

Marked fall in school performance
Poor grades in school despite trying very hard
Severe worry or anxiety, as shown by regular refusal to go to school, go to sleep or take part in activities that are normal for the child's age
Frequent physical complaints
Hyperactivity; fidgeting; constant movement beyond regular playing with or without difficulty paying attention
Persistent nightmares
Persistent disobedience or aggression (longer than 6 months) and provocative opposition to authority figures
Frequent, unexplainable temper tantrums
Threatens to harm or kill oneself

PRE-ADOLESCENTS AND ADOLESCENTS

Marked decline in school performance
Inability to cope with problems and daily activities
Marked changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
Extreme difficulties in concentrating that get in the way at school or at home
Sexual acting out
Depression shown by sustained, prolonged negative mood and attitude, often accompanied by poor appetite, difficulty sleeping or thoughts of death
Severe mood swings
Strong worries or anxieties that get in the way of daily life, such as at school or socializing
Repeated use of alcohol and/or drugs
Intense fear of becoming obese with no relationship to actual body weight, excessive dieting, throwing up or using laxatives to loose weight
Persistent nightmares
Threats of self-harm or harm to others
Self-injury or self destructive behavior
Frequent outbursts of anger, aggression
Repeated threats to run away
Aggressive or non-aggressive consistent violation of rights of others; opposition to authority, truancy, thefts, or vandalism
Strange thoughts, beliefs, feelings, or unusual behaviors

If problems persist over an extended period of time or if others involved in the child's life are concerned, consider speaking with your seeking a consultation with a child and adolescent psychiatrist or a trained mental health professional.

Torn in two

The most damaging effect of divorce on children is the emotional trauma caused by parents who fight or belittle each other in front of their children. Children feel expected to take sides but cannot do this without being disloyal to the other parent. However, by not taking sides they fear disapproval and rejection by both. They are trapped in a no-win situation where it is “wrong” to love both parents.

Sad

Children of divorce may feel a huge sense of loss and sadness, believing that the absent parent has gone forever and that they no longer have a family – a way of life is at an end. Their feelings mirror those of children who really have lost a parent forever, to accident or illness. However, they are often underestimated or overlooked so that children of divorce do not receive the same kind of support. Unmanaged they can deepen into depression.

Stressed

During divorce, children may feel stressed and under pressure to do more than they can realistically cope with at a time that is already stressful enough. For instance, they may volunteer to take on extra duties at home or be burdened with extra responsibilities like it or not. They may also be used as a confidante and advisor by one or both parents, a role that even teens are not qualified for or comfortable with. Eager to help out and seem “grown up,” they may hide how stressed they really are.

Lonely

Children of divorce may feel lonely. They may miss the intimacy, comfort and particular parenting skills of the absent parent. The parent at home may be so wrapped up in their own problems that they are not available to their children. Circumstances may have cut them off from their usual playmates. Children may seek intimacy and comfort elsewhere, or become withdrawn

Help me, I've married a man with a psycho ex wife!

2011-09-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

So, you tell me you've married a man with a psycho ex wife. Now What?
The perfect step - kids are out of control, the psycho ex wife won't get out of your lives and your husband won't believe a thing you say about "their perfect kids".
Where does that leave you? Well, unfortunately according to long standing statistics it leaves you running for Divorce Court!
If you did not come into the marriage with children of your own, or if you do not have children with your psycho ex wife's second hand husband, your options are much broader.
If you have children from a previous marriage then your first obligation is to keep your children safe and to try and preserve their mental health, if your husband is so enmeshed with his former wife and kids that you are reading this blog, then he will most likely not have the desire or energy left over to protect you and your children from the evil onslaught coming at you from the psycho ex wife and her dysfunctional and often times Dangerous henchmen aka sons...
A very common tactic of psycho ex wives is splitting, attack and divide, all the while she will be instilling a strong and methodical campaign of hatred in her children, a campaign of hatred directed at you, the evil stepmother. Because according to the psycho ex wife all of their dysfunctional and enmeshed lives were Bliss "BEFORE HER".
When the psycho ex wife has successfully managed to turn the children against you she will start in earnest on the "Father of Abuse, who never cared about you, who didn't want to be in the family way anymore, who called her fat and ugly, who sent the poor teenagers to school in rags, who never paid his child support" blah, blah blah.....
Once the psycho ex wife has completed her goal of destroying the relationship the children have with the father and step-mom she will go after the MONEY.
Some psycho ex wives start in and go right after your money as soon as your married to her second hand husband.
The psycho ex wife will continue trying to capitalize and increase her sexual productivity earnings by calculating in the income from the wicked step-mother as if some how (in the psycho ex wife's twisted mind) the wicked step-mother had something to do with the father and psycho bio mom having babies.
The one thing that separates the TRULY PSYCHO EX WIFE from the ex wives who are just B*tches is when they repeatedly try to extract more and more money from you in court over and over again, continually attempting to control your lives financially, and when they even attempt to control your marriage like this document shows they are way beyond Borderline Personality Disorder!
A sad and alone, vindictive money hungry woman trying to obtain more child support dollars from the wicked step-mother if she's not divorced from the father. How sad and bizarre is that?

Be careful ladies, be very careful!
If you have married into this crazy of a dysfunctional family then I guarantee you they all didn't get this way without the father playing an important role in it! Watch your back ladies, because most likely prince charming won't...
Good luck dear stepmom, the psycho ex wife is trying to destroy your finances, life and family. She will stop at nothing.... the psycho mother will even use and destroy her own children in the process!

How did I end up marrying into a Dysfunctional Family? Part 3

2011-09-14T07:17:00.000-07:00

Dynamics

The isolated family member (either a parent or child up against the rest of the otherwise united family)
Parent vs. parent (frequent fights amongst adults, whether married, divorced, or separated, conducted away from the children)
The polarized family (a parent and one or more children on each side of the conflict)
Parents vs. kids (generation gap or culture shock dysfunction)
The balkanized family (named after the three-way war in the Balkans where alliances shift back and forth)
Free-for-all (a family that fights in a free-for-all style, though may become polarized when range of possible choices is limited)

Children

Unlike divorce, and to a lesser extent, separation, there is often no record of an "intact" family being dysfunctional. As a result, friends, relatives, and teachers of such children may be completely unaware of the situation. In addition, a child may be unfairly blamed for the family's dysfunction, and placed under even greater stress than those whose parents separate.

The seven basic roles

Children growing up in a dysfunctional family have been known to adopt one or more of these seven basic roles:

The Good Child (also known as the Hero): a child who assumes the parental role. (The oldest son)
The Problem Child (also known as the Scapegoat): the child who is blamed for most problems and may be partly responsible for the family's dysfunction, in spite of often being the only emotionally stable one in the family. (The youngest son)
The Rebel (against parental authority): Somewhat similar to the problem child, however, he or she is at least part, if not all, of the cause of the family's dysfunction.
The Caretaker: the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family.
The Lost Child: the inconspicuous, quiet one, whose needs are usually ignored or hidden.
The Mascot: uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system. (The second son)
The Mastermind: the opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. Often the object of appeasement by grown-ups. (The third son)

Effects on children

Children of dysfunctional families, either at the time, or as they grow older, may also:

lack the ability to be playful, or childlike, and may "grow up too fast"; conversely they may grow up too slowly, or be in a mixed mode (e.g. well-behaved, but unable to care for themselves)
have moderate to severe mental health issues, including possible depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts
become addicted to smoking, alcohol, and/or drugs, especially if parents or friends have done the same
bully or harass others, or be an easy victim thereof (possibly taking a dual role in different settings)
be in denial regarding the severity of the family's situation
have mixed feelings of love–hate towards certain family members
become a sex offender, possibly including pedophilia
have difficulty forming healthy relationships within their peer group (usually due to shyness or a personality disorder)
spend an inordinate amount of time alone watching television, playing video games, surfing the internet, watching PORN, listening to music, and other activities which lack in-person social interaction
feel angry, anxious, depressed, isolated from others, or unlovable
have a speech disorder (related to emotional abuse)
distrust others or even have paranoia
become a truant juvenile delinquent and turn to a life of crime (with or without dropping out of school), and possibly become a gang member as well
struggle academically at school or academic performance declines unexpectedly
have low self-esteem or a poor self image with difficulty expressing emotions
rebel against parental authority, or conversely, uphold their family's values in the face of peer pressure, or even try to take an impossible "middle ground" that pleases no one
think only of themselves to make up the difference of their childhoods (as they are still learning the balance of self-love)
have little self-discipline when parents are not around, such as compulsive spending, procrastinating, too close to deadlines, etc. (unfamiliar and seemingly lax "real-world" consequences vs. familiar parental consequences)
find an (often abusive) spouse or partner at a young age, and/or run away from home
become pregnant and/or a parent of illegitimate children
be at risk of becoming poor or homeless, even if the family is already wealthy or middle-class
have auto-destructive or potentially self-damaging behaviors
join a cult to find the acceptance they never had at home, or at a minimum, have differing philosophical/religious beliefs from what they were previously taught.
strive (as young adults) to live far away from particular family members
perpetuate dysfunctional behaviors in other relationships (especially their own children)